Never Burn Bridges- My Curious World

What would I do with my life?

2012-02-12T21:22:00.000-08:00

If I could envision a good life to want to live, I would...

own my own business (or 2 or 3!)
live in a sun-filled cozy home with a large garden, art studio, library, and kitchen
travel abroad yearly
have health insurance
see my acupuncturist and massage therapist at least weekly

AND, I would go to school forever....
personal training
alcohol & drug counseling
nursing
yoga practitioner
movement therapy training
art school

Topic #21: Alex/Becky- NAAB name and birth names!

2011-12-11T00:33:00.001-08:00

Topic #20: Alex/Becky- personal questions

2011-12-11T00:33:00.000-08:00

3 Doors Down - Away From The Sun

2011-11-15T03:23:00.000-08:00

6 Reasons why I should be Sleeping

2011-09-30T04:39:00.000-07:00

Having trouble sleeping because I'm facing eviction. Haven't had the money for food for a week and ran out of food 2 days ago. Rent is due Monday and I just don't have it. My business is not going well. So, I've been having trouble sleeping. Tonight, I keep waking up, hungry and shaking.

6 Reasons why I should be sleeping:

1) I don't hear my roommate trying to talk someone out of committing suicide by gunshot

2) I don't hear the drunk neighbor girls who locked themselves out of the apartment complex again and are trying to get in by breaking down the door

3) I don't smell the drunk neighbor girls partying on their balcony and filling my apartment with cigarette smoke and covering my car with ash and butts because their balcony is over my car.

4) I am not bothered by the spotlights glaring in the window which surround my apartment to keep The meth addict homeless camp in the canyon 4 blocks away from rooting around in our dumpster and breaking into our cars.

5) I don't hear the ambulance and mercy flights go by every 25 minutes to the two hospitals a few blocks away.

6) I am less likely to see silverfish, spiders, and centipedes in my kitchen and living room (finally trapped one of the damn centipedes in a glass! They are fast!)

Homeless

2011-09-26T22:58:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I wonder what I would say if people asked me what it was like to be homeless for three years and 3 months. I would probably tell them I don't really know. It never really felt like I was "homeless" because I always had a place to sleep. The rest of my time I was too busy trying to get food and basic necessities and medical care to think about it. At first, I didn't really realize it. Sure, I didn't have a place to call home or even my own bed sometimes. I slept on a lot of couches and guest beds and sometimes even the floor. I never stayed in one place much longer than 3 months. But I was more or less happy because I was free to explore and be my own person. Friends and partners and sometimes even family would send me money or feed me or give me a place to crash. I kept myself busy looking for work or reading, or cooking. I struggled with mental health issues, from severe depression and mania, to psychosis, to paranoia and panic attacks, and even multiple personalities. I even tried to take my life once. I questioned who I was and where I came from. I wondered what I was going to become; what would happen to me. The stress was crippling. I wondered if anyone loved me or cared. Those that did, eventually gave up on me, because they simply couldn't help me anymore.

A lot of good things happened too, though. When an opportunity presented itself, there was rarely a reason to turn it down. What was going to hold me back? I didn't have family or friends really that mattered that much. No real roots or attachments. No home base. No commitments. I travelled the world, meet celebrities, worked on the '08 campaign trail, started two businesses, and volunteered my time in non-profits and other organizations for people and issues that I cared about. Sometimes I was lucky and I would get a break. One job landed me health insurance for a few months. Another made me eligible for unemployment payments from the government, which gave me an opportunity to settle down long enough to get a certificate at a vocational school.

It's been almost two years now since I was "homeless". But to be honest, today it not much different. I've sacrificed a lot. In fact, I've sacrificed pretty much everything I ever held dear. I'm on the edge and have been on the edge, for years.... just one small step from that place. This time though, there isn't really much left to sacrifice, to buy just a little bit more time to figure it all out. I am just as much in a survival mode now as I was then. I live in a bad section of town but it is something that I can afford (most of the time!). I have a disability that eats up the few resources I have, but it helps me get resources I wouldn't ordinarily have access too. I get by, but I wonder everyday how long it will last. Will I have a roof over my head next month? Will it still be here in 6 months? In a year will I be in a better place… or a worse one? I long for the day I can feel safe again, and to know that I can depend on being able to "stay" where I am. I sometimes even dare to hope that that place will be full of love. I live on hope and faith and dreams. I provide as much love to myself as I can. I try every day to find something positive and productive that will make things just a little bit better or easier for the next day. It’s a slow building process. And it's also a recovery process; to reconcile with the circumstances that put me on the street… the betrayals, the abandonment, the confusion, and self-doubt, loss of self-worth, and drive to simply instinctually survive no matter what. I dream of the day I can slow down and breathe, not so that I can pick myself up and keep fighting, but so that I can sit down and start repairing and to live for me.

I've reached a new place recently. Its a place that has allowed me to step back and see all this that has happened. My memories that I have suppressed of my childhood and of the past 6 years "surviving" are crashing back to me. Its not been an easy road. All that stuff that I didn't process is now screaming to be processed NOW. I'm struggling to balance the plates and am increasingly feeling the pressure of how close I am to loosing it. I keep staving off loosing my roof and food and medicine in 2 and 3 month chunks at a time. I fear that that may come to an end soon. I hope that I am successful in my business sooner rather than later. Its a race against time. I know I will be successful..... but will it be soon enough? And if I do manage to save the plates before they fall, will I be able to move into a new apartment that I feel safe in? Will I be able to afford seeing a doctor? Will I be able to afford a lawyer to fight my disability case? Will I be able to be well enough again to eat food and exercise ever again? Will I be able to stabilize my life enough to be able to meet people and make friends or find a partner? What about affording a new car to replace the one that got totaled 2 months ago? Or maybe find the money to buy a cap and gown to attend my own graduation ceremony next month?

C'est la vie.

My latest Squidoo Article

2011-09-20T14:29:00.001-07:00

I thought I would share since most of my writing these days is over at squidoo.....

http://www.squidoo.com/a-day-in-the-life-of-a-massage-therapist

Topic # 9- Alex/Vickie: worst things about bigender

2011-09-16T21:03:00.001-07:00

Topic #7- Vickie/Alex: Forum Emphasis Week!

2011-09-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

Topic #6- Vickie/Alex: Bigender identification and its effect

2011-08-26T21:04:00.000-07:00

2011-08-21T19:49:00.000-07:00

I've been doing quite a bit of soul searching lately. I've been looking for my purpose and for a direction. I've been having a difficult time. Dad is moving back east and the fact that I am graduating in December is getting to me a bit. Its a big time of transition. Friday I ended up in a 2 hour meditation and self-hypnosis. While in hypnosis, I had a past life regression of all of my past lives over the past 250 years. It was an indescribable experience. I was able to resolve some difficult things and understand why I am here on earth and what I am doing. I will be making a lot of big choices that will affect me for the rest of my life really soon. I am working out what to to about my education. I want to go to art school. I found a school here is San Diego county that interests me. Today I realized that what I want with my life means I dont NEED a college degree. I want to own my own business. I want to learn for fun. I want to travel. I want to help people.

I feel like I have found myself. And suddenly I feel more content with life than I have ever felt before. I'm going to be ok, no matter what.

topic #5- Vickie/Alex: would you/ could you choose ONE gender?

2011-08-21T19:48:00.000-07:00

Topic #4: Vickie/Alex- Does bigenderism affect your orientation?

2011-08-21T19:47:00.000-07:00

Topic #3- Vickie/Alex: Are you planning on Transitioning?

2011-08-21T19:46:00.000-07:00

Topic #2: How do you deal with sudden dysphoria? - Vickie/Alex

2011-08-21T19:45:00.000-07:00

What Bigender means to me

2011-07-27T22:02:00.000-07:00

This is my first youtube video! My don't have a fancy computer so I recorded it on my smart phone and could only get it uploaded if I broke it into 5 minute clips. After 3 recordings.... its still 20 minutes. Sorry.. enjoy!

Part 1: My background and who I am
Part 2: What is gender, cisgender, & bigender
Part 3: What does it mean to live as two genders
Part 4: Bigender as a social role

Breakdown

2011-07-16T12:23:00.000-07:00

Ok. I've had a breakdown. A shift in priorities. Time for me.....

Please just make it all stop.

2011-07-14T20:05:00.000-07:00

Help.

- Unemployment $ ran out last week.
- Roommate moves out Friday and can't find a new one.
- I'm on call from two massage clinics 4 days a week.... but am lucky to get 1 client from them each week.
- I've been marketing my own business for 6 weeks and have been doing chair massage every weekend, and have yet to get a client.
- Two of my classes at school are giving me panic attacks and/or making me cry every time.
- I've become severely allergic to massage oil making when I DO work on clients a terrible experience each time.
- I've become allergic to rice which is one of only 4 foods I was tolerating.

I'm becoming very sick trying to deal with all of this.

Please just make it stop.

I'm normally really good at finding the silver lining and focusing on what I CAN change and control. But I've run into a wall and don't have much I can change or control. Help me. Someone. Please.

I'm going NUTS! O_o

2011-06-13T22:23:00.000-07:00

I'm going nuts. I'm really struggling to hold it all together. I launched my business last week (officially!) and not only did I open a business account at the bank, but had to get a new personal account too (I lost my checkbook) and thus all of my accounts have been frozen for a week. I'm also in transition to my next extension on unemployment, so my financial state is in shambles! To complicate matters, I have a $900 tuition payment due at the end of this week and I submitted an application for a new apartment today which will mean I have to come up with a deposit and an extra half month's rent by Friday as well. Unemployment runs out in 4 weeks, and so I need to find a job (or 3) to supplement my income until my business is self-sustaining. Plus, I need to find a new roommate before the end of the month. Marketing for the business is not going so well and I've been trying to do all of my financial forecasts (profit & loss statements, balance sheets, start-up cost worksheets, cash-flow forecasts, ect) to finish up my business plan presentation, which I finally present (after 7 months of work!) tomorrow morning! I have two additional final exams this week as well. The new quarter starts next week and I am going to be at school full time (instead of half time like I have been). Plus, I need to somehow keep my health intact, sleep, and dig through the 8 books from the library that I have been putting off because of my business plan and are due in 2 weeks. HOLY CRAP! I'm going nuts! O_o

Ending Extreme Poverty

2011-06-12T01:33:00.000-07:00

"Do you think it is possible to end extreme poverty in the next 30 years? If so how?"

It took two days of car trips, charter planes, and precipitous dirt roads winding through mountains and cliffs, and walking, to reach the indigenous towns in the middle of Oaxaca, Mexico. We spent days working in the villages, but it felt like we were tying to put a Band-Aid on a gaping wound that wouldn’t stop bleeding. The more we helped, the more people needed help. After a week it struck me with dismay that what I was doing was the same thing someone else was going to be repeating in less than a month, with the same people in the same places.

What frustrated me the most was seeing thousands of dollars being poured into the villages surrounding our base, yet, the result was hundreds of people now dependent on our aid. Villages were being torn apart with bitter family feuds and village elders struggled to maintain control despite the growing political influence of the people who worked at our base. There was a growing cultural upheaval within the villages because of those who associated with us and adopted our ways and beliefs.

I came to realize that after years of work in poor countries around the globe, I had missed something vital. Everything I was doing, what WE were doing, was obviously not working. Despite billions of dollars being poured into humanitarian projects, the poor keep getting poorer. I realized I had been so busy trying to fix these people’s world with pills and books and lectures, I failed to see exactly what their world was. I missed seeing these people as individuals instead of statistics and trends and demographics. We were coming in and saying to these people that they need to change everything they are doing to reach standards of health and wellbeing that are completely out of context with the lives they had always been living.

Ending extreme poverty is not something that can be solved with a silver bullet. What works in Mexico is not what works in the United States, or India, or even Cuba. These cultures are unique and the people are unique too. It will require a radical change in how we administer aid. This is not just a problem that we can throw money at through organizations like Save the Children and Kiva. We can’t just send hundreds of military personnel as armed humanitarians and expect them to tear down and rebuild everything from scratch. Nor can we continue to administer aid programs costing millions of dollars or more without making sure our programs are evidence-based and results oriented. We need to find a common ground between the people in the field and the academics that research and study poverty. The solution is working with people, one-on-one and village by village. The solutions will most likely be the same solutions we already have, but the difference is the delivery system. A delivery system designed around better information communication and a person-oriented approach.

Martin and my bubble

2011-05-26T21:53:00.001-07:00

There is a 7 year old Mennonite boy in Wooster, OH that has Autism. His name is Martin. I met Martin 5 years ago because he is the son of a religions professor, who is also the "host mother" of my then boyfriend (from Pakistan) in College. When I met Martin, he was quiet, focused, had trouble talking, and loved to do the same things over and over again in glorious little routines. To be honest, I loved Martin. He was just about the coolest little kid I had ever met (and that is saying something cuz I don't like little kids all that much). About the same time when I left college, which is when Martin was 4, he was diagnosed with Autism. I didn't think much of it at the time. But both of his parents started blogging about Martin and his "adventures". For years, I have been fascinated with the stories in a way that I have never been engrossed in anything else before. I just don't care about what other people do or write about. Mostly because I don't understand what they are thinking or why they are doing things. But here is this little boy who I UNDERSTOOD. His parents have a lot of trouble with him. Martin is difficult, to say the least. But over the years, as I have read from afar his journey, I have felt a connection with him that I could never explain.

As I have been digging into my own past and realizing how my own difficulties with Aspergers effected my childhood, I have learned a lot of things about myself. This evening when I read a recent update on Martin, it suddenly struck me.... I completely get it why Martin does and says the things he does. Because I said and did the same things. I find myself reading between the lines and seeing the words left unsaid that Martin needed to hear, and the feelings that he had that left him without control, and the things that happen around him that completely overwhelms him and the feeling of being trapped because you just don't know how to grasp it, let alone deal with it, and then be held accountable by someone else. You don't have the words. You can see things and feel things, but you can't describe them or name them. Everything is happening around you in a way that makes you feel like you are in a bubble. The bubble is glorious! Its just you. And your activities. And your routines. You NEED it all to feel safe. You NEED it all to feel like something is in your own control. It is joy to work on your projects and be totally lost in it. You can do things that no one else seems to be able to do. But then, usually no one understands why that is so cool, which is unfortunate. But what does it matter? It makes you happy!

ASD is both an extraordinarily blessing and a curse. Sometimes when I emerge from my bubble, I momentarily have this clarity and find myself fitting in with the rest of the world. I crave relationships with other people. I want to go do things. I want to feel the same emotions and have the same experiences. And then my brief glimpse into the "real" world disappears. I keep following my memorized scripts of what to say and when to say it, and people never notice anything different. I keep my mouth shut when all I want to do is talk about my "projects". I have found ways to talk about myself and my interests in "appropriate" ways. I can read peoples body language and their tones of voice and their energy and I've learned to call them by names of "angry" or "happy" or "sad". I know the right things and wrong things to say and do when people are "angry" or "happy" or "sad". And I keep going along in my little bubble, struggling to stay just enough in the "real" world, because if I do, then people treat me like any other person. And when I am treated like I am "normal", then I have a chance to go after my dreams and be respected and valued as an equal. I'm not "disabled" and "stupid" and "inferior". I'm not treated like a second class citizen or pitied, or excluded.

Sometimes I stop trying. I enter into my bubble. I loose myself. I loose track of time. Its just me and my projects and my feelings and I don't have to try and put words on them. I can just watch. When I want something, I get it. When I need something, I get it. Fuck the world and the consequences. But then I forget how to feed myself and take care of myself. I start getting "sick" and I sometimes forget how to talk. I can't walk straight. I can't remember how to cook a pot of rice. Night and day blend into each other. There is no self control. There is no world outside of my experience. I'm impulsive. Driven. Focused. Lost. Sometimes I break things or I can stop hurting myself. Its not that I want to do it. It just happens. I'm just waiting. Waiting for something to magically make me feel better. Waiting. Waiting. Trapped in my own body.

And then something snaps. I'm better. I spend a few days trying to figure out what happened and pick back up where I left off in the world. Most people don't miss me, cuz I dont really have anyone anymore that close to me. I'm too difficult. But I still have my dreams and hopes. And I'm grateful I have another day to try life again. Cuz maybe today will be a "good" day. I will be happy.

Dealing with aspergers

2011-05-24T14:31:00.001-07:00

I'm quite literally not feeling stable. My body chemistry is totally fucked up!
Been having ongoing food issues again. I woke up this morning at 4:30am and spent the next few hours just rolling around in bed mulling over a business idea! So, how I figure it....

The secret to business is finding a solution to a problem that needs fixed.

.....

Yet, the poor tend to have the most problems.

.....

For some reason, most businesses chase after only the rich or those that are willing to pay.

.....

And yet the richest people in the world are those who have found a solution for the masses, not the wealthy.

......

So, my question becomes.... how can I use massage to help the poor?

The mounting pressure to write up my business plan and find a job is not helping at all. Its been a test of my abilities to stay focused while managing my health. I found out two weeks ago that everything I am sensitive to is all a subcategory of one type of chemical, or is a chemical that competes for resources in the body that this chemical needs in order to be broken down. It is called Phenols! The chemical is dependent upon a gene that goes haywire with people on the autism spectrum. Funny thing I am learning is that males with this gene tend to present with autism. Females with this gene tend to present with fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome. The genetic mix ups seem to be all related to a small pool of genetic/proteomic malfunctions. But what "disease" you present with varies considerably and is dependent on the environment. I've been working with my therapist in identifying where aspects of me having aspergers gave me difficulties growing up. I've largely learned to manage it to the point that it doesn't appear I have ASD at all! I just wish I could fix the whole mess and move on with my life. But *sigh*, I will be managing my asperger tendencies and biological malfunctions for the rest of my life. Which, is ok, I guess. At least I CAN manage it. When I reduce the negative factors associated with ASD, there are a whole bunch of positive things about having aspergers! For that, I'm grateful every day!

Dreams.... are only dreams?

2011-05-10T00:07:00.000-07:00

YAY! New blog. I never stop creating. My dreams are literally the only thing that keep me going. I've been up to my eyeballs in research for the past 5 months and have gotten to a point where I need to start sharing my new knowledge. I'm trying to position myself in the health market. So, here is my new blog on Integrative Health (don't worry, nothing is happing to this one. This one is still my main 'hood, lol)..... http://healthcareevolution.blogspot.com/

One of the purposes of writing a business plan is to discover if your idea is tenable. My idea is definitely NOT. This puts me in an odd position. I've got 4 weeks to write up a plan for school. Do I keep going with what I started 9 months ago or do I work to put together my private practice (the obvious rational choice for financial stability)? My dreams are my soul manna. Forcing myself to write up the plan for my dream health system would really push me to find the holes and cement my idea into something I can keep reaching for. So what should I do? The over achiever in me could always just do both. ....there goes the already dwindling hours of sleep I have. My health seriously cannot sustain this. :-/

I can see my path

2011-05-02T14:29:00.000-07:00

I've been running at full speed the past 6 weeks. Much has happened, but despite trying to sit down to write in my blog many times the past few weeks, I couldn't seem to come up with the words.

At school, I am learning A LOT. My mind-body class is a body psychology course and is truly changing the way I see the world and interact personally in it. The psychology of the body rests in the muscle tissue, and taking kinesiology (upper body) at the same time, and devoting four hours a week to psychotherapy (individual and group) is changing my life in a huge way. I am finding the entire greater subject, how to change ourselves and the way we think and feel and relate to ourselves and the world, absolutely fascinating. On a personal level, I am taking it one step further, learning about PTSD and trauma recovery and understanding what happens to the normal body psychology when trauma occurs to result in PTSD. An amazing quote I read this morning was:

PTSD has been described as the failure of time to heal all wounds

My plans to become certified in Trauma Touch Therapy have not changed. My entire drive to getting my business up and running successfully is in part so that I can set myself up to be as successful as possible during the course of TTT certification. An interesting side effect of my body psychology course has been in the realm of gender (of course, I am always looking for that stuff anyway!). I've been reading more about body maps and also a bit about the biological difference between men and women. It became apparent to me that men process their emotional lives much more within their body-mind, whereas women are much more apt to process emotional material in the brain (ie: via talking, crying, etc). After a bit of trial and error and application of energywork and meditation techniques I have learned over the past 18 months, I managed to learn how to CONTROL my gender switches.

The result of being able to control my gender has led me to feel more in control of my own life and my own body. For the most part, I don't interfere. If I wake up as one gender, I don't force it. Its just not necessary! But it has helped me adapt better in social and professional situations. I am starting to work with my therapist to identify ways that I can choose to be a certain gender to take advantage of skills as one gender or the other, or as a coping mechanism. The whole thing is very exciting for me.

Despite the enormous amount of personal change, and time devoted to it, I am spending the majority of my time putting together my business ideas. In school I am taking a career development class. It's essentially an outline of all the million things that can be explored in building a career. It touches upon dozens of topics each week. I feel very thankful I have spent the time that I have before this quarter started on business development, because I am just barely keeping up. My weeks consist of multiple trips to the library and skimming/reading piles of books, weekly meetings with my employment counselor/mentor, volunteer work with a local non-profit holistic health clinic, site visits and competitor research, and writing. My father has decided to help me on the project and is taking on design and infrastructure plans. Working with my dad has been extraordinary. We don't have the best relationship and being able to work with him on a project that he is passionate about (healthcare design) has become very rewarding. We have been meeting regularly and spend a lot of time going over how my business ideas fit into current healthcare management and design challenges. It is great to be able to bounce my ideas off of him, especially since he is considered one of the experts in the healthcare design field in the US. Working together is allowing us to work out a viable innovative healthcare solution to todays healthcare challenges looking into the future, and not back at the past. Seeing my ideas in physical space layout instead of abstract clouds in my mind has launched the project to a whole now level and allowed me to conceptualize what is needed to truly integrate healthcare systems.

I feel as if I am racing the clock though. My unemployment runs out in mid-July. This quarter ends mid-June. I get my license to practice massage as a certified massage therapist any day now, and once I get it, my time will be even more stretched as I race to get all the pieces together so that I have an operating practice by mid July. My solution to a difficult question over the past year (the scalability and organization of my business ideas) has been to open a sole proprietorship immediately, and start a corporation for my main business ideas separately at a later time.

With only two quarters left of school, and the help of my dad, by January 1 I could realistically have a proposal ready for contract and bidding. However, I have decided that I will not launch. I have decided that I will seek part time employment as a Massage Therapist (MT) and work on my sole proprietorship while enrolling back into Mesa College and taking my time to get my Associates Degree (I still wanna learn languages and study art and music!!!). Once I accomplish my AA, I plan on going on the Bastyr University and realize my lifelong dream of studying there, to get my bacholor's degree. After that, I would like to go on and study integrative health. By the time I am nearing the end of my schooling, the market for integrative health will be much better (right now it is a little too preemptive.... there isn't enough demand yet) and I will be ready to launch with all the right variables in place (or at least more than I have now).

Since I was in junior high school I have dreamt of studying health and bringing a new way of health care management to the public. With so much personal and professional transformation happening, doors are flying open for me and my path is illuminated for me for the first time in my life. It is looking to be evermore transformational over the course of the next 7 months.

I have hope!
I have purpose!
I have taken back my life and it is mine now!

Transformation (Alex)

2011-03-25T21:11:00.000-07:00

I've had it. Its time for change. I've gone through an enormous personal transformation the past 3 months and its forcing me to live in the world in a new way. I did something today that I should have done years ago. Today, I finally found the courage to move on and live my life for me! This is my life.... financially independent, emotionally mature, dreams ready for the taking. I'm ready to take a huge leap. I am at a point where I have nothing to loose.

In 9 months I will be a business owner, run my own non-profit, pursuit my passions, get the medical health I need, and run property management/rental units.

I know this all sounds vague and idealistic. But I know this is my path and I know that something extraordinarily has happened to me since the start of this year.... and there is so much further to go. This is just the beginning!

Wow I've been busy!

2011-03-20T11:00:00.000-07:00

The quarter at Mueller is drawing to a close and I am looking back and seeing how rapidly I have have changed. Therapy and DBT is moving along and is a constant source of self-change. My classes at Mueller have really challenged me this quarter as well. My Thai massage class has challenged me to not only learn a new massage modality, but also overcome my PTSD with being touched and receiving massage! My lab class (working on the public giving massage) has pushed me to become a massage therapist and market myself and start building a client list. My Reiki class has challenged me to face a lot of inner daemons and emotional issues, and because of it I have gone through an enormous transformation.

Outside of class, I have been doing research on Integrative health and putting together my business plan and finding ways to accomplish my professional/employment plans and goals! This has taken me to seek out seminars, workshops, and classes, as well as stacks and stacks of books. It has also inspired me to network and reach out to others online and in the community. I have taken on responsibilities in volunteering and moderating and/or running several sites online.

My health has also stabilized. I now know WHAT makes me sick and at a minimum what to avoid. I am slowly making new discoveries to improve my health. I have started seeing a hypnotherapist and meditating regularly, which has helped tremendously too.

This upcoming few months I am looking forward to getting my massage license, starting to exercise regularly, and building my clientel list. My goal is to raise $950 by June 1st to attend a week long certificate program in Vegas for Medical Massage and a weekend workshop in tibetian bowl healing. In DBT we will be leaning about interpersonal effectiveness. My classes are in career development, upper body kinesiolgy, and the body psychology. No doubt, I will learn a lot about myself and continue to grow and be challenged emotionally, intellectually, and professionally.

Finally, I look forward to getting out into the community and volunteering and meeting new people doing activities that I enjoy, like cycling and star-watching. Last week I was offered a position on the steering-committee of the San Diego HRC chapter and will co-chair the diversity committee! I am also working to land a volunteer position with the Alternative Healing Network, a non-profit Integrative Health clinic serving the low-income populations of San Diego. These next few months will be critical as a transition period, because in June/July I will most likely start working again.

So, in summary, I really have been very, very busy. But I am enjoying life and moving forward with hope and love. :-D

ICH+ICH LIVE BEIM HEIMSPIEL "HILF MIR"

2011-02-28T00:37:00.000-08:00

Wir rannten beide durch das Leben,
voller Zuversicht und stark,
die ganze Welt gehörte uns
und das Leben war ein Park.
Von allem nur das Beste,
ganz hoch hinaus,
von allem nur das Beste,
so sah es aus.
Und dann bin ich aufgewacht,
mit dem Rücken an der Wand,
ich hab so viel falsch gemacht,
unser Park ist abgebrannt.
Von allem nur das Beste,
ist schon lange her.
Von allem nur das Beste,
das gibts nicht mehr.
Hilf mir,
ich fall immer tiefer runter,
Hilf mir,
siehst du nicht ich geh schon unter,
Hilf mir,
du hast soviel Liebe übrig gib mir deine Hand und rette mich.
Ich weiss nicht mehr was es war
unsere Wege trennten sich
ich dacht ich komm alleine klar
und ich brauch dich nicht.
Auf alles was glitzert
ich hab drauf gezielt
und was wirklich zählte,
ich habs verspielt.
Auf der Suche nach dem Besten,
hab ich mich verletzt,
denn du warst doch am besten,
das weiss ich jetzt.
Hilf mir,
ich fall immer tiefer runter,
Hilf mir,
siehst du nicht ich geh schon unter,
Hilf mir,
du hast soviel Liebe übrig gib mir deine Hand und rette mich.
Hilf mir,
ich fall immer tiefer runter,
Hilf mir,
siehst du nicht ich geh schon unter,
Hilf mir,
du hast soviel Liebe übrig gib mir deine Hand und rette mich.

Life Beyond School

2011-02-26T00:00:00.000-08:00

I seriously have had a multimedia & computer technology explosion. I've been learning computer skills at a free workshop/continuing education program at the City Career Centers. All the technical skills that I never knew were holding me back are suddenly allowing me to do things I have *always wanted to do* but didn't really know how.

Like have an online art collection.... now at deviantart! (I'm MoralAnimal0369)

Like launch a campaign to help youth that are dealing with difficult life challenges. I've seriously been asked dozens of times over the past 5 years to write a book or do public speaking. I now have the rudiments of a non-profit put together. Sweet (for me.... happy dance)! Check it out.... www.lifebeyondschool.info To be honest, I am surprised at how easy it was to put together. I guess I've been contemplating more than I thought.

BTW... Since I am starting a non-profit, I am looking for people to be on the board. Let me know if you are intersted.

THE BEST 101 PHOTOS of my year abroad

2011-02-24T03:14:00.000-08:00

I just put together my DeviantART site.... I can't believe that it has taken me so long to do so. Now I have a sizable collection of my art and writings there. Check it out! (link is on the right hand side)

I also redid my company website and created a second website for the parent company of Willow Tree Retreat Center. Links are on the right too.

THE BEST 101 PHOTOS of my year abroad

These photos have been taken across Eurasia, including the countries of France, Germany, Switzerland, Italy, the Czech Republic, Hungary, Turkey, and parts of the German and Holland North Sea. *These photos are the sole property of Rebecca Volzer and may not be copied or distributed without written permission*

My daily dilemmas! (alex)

2011-02-21T19:53:00.000-08:00

Here are some cartoons that I find hilarious. Great descriptions of my daily life. hehehe

Mr. Potato Head Bodies

Am I a boy? Am I a girl?

The reason I don't hang out in mixed male/female groups

The Seven Stages of Healing (alex)

2011-02-20T22:39:00.000-08:00

We've all heard of the stages of healing. It varies some from model to model.

Stage 1- Denial

Stage 2- Pain & guilt

Stage 3- Anger & Bargaining

Stage 4- Depression

Stage 5- Acceptance

Stage 6- Rebirth

Stage 7- Creating New Life

Learning to be healer, the first order of business is learning to heal myself. Boy, do I have a lot of healing to do. Its been 3 1/2 years now since I made the commitment to live for myself and heal myself. I'm still working through some major issues, but fortunately, I know what most of my issues are now. Things are coming together. I'm not in denial anymore.

What am I working on right now and where am I right now?

Loss of my childhood and sanity from trauma (Stage 3)

Loss of 22 years living as a male (Stage 2)

Loss of my family that won't accept me for who I am (Stage 4)

Loss of my health from a damn tick bite (Stage 1)

Loss of my significant relationship last year (Stage 4)

Loss of my freedom (Stage 5)

Loss of security (Stage 6)

Loss of my dreams (Stage 7)

Loss of my education (Stage 7)

Loss of my diet (Stage 6)

Be Kind to Yourself & Others- Reiki Principle

2011-02-16T12:02:00.001-08:00

Compassion is an elusive term for me. What is compassion? It is a form of love, but not really love. It is also a form of empathy, but its not empathy either. Compassion comes from the heart and from the heart chakra. It is green. In fact, the first time I ever felt compassion was while meditating on my heart chakra and surrounding myself with green energy. It has not been an emotion that I have been exposed to much, and if I have been, I probably didn't even know. Apart feeling sad about that and about my past, looking forward how does one be kind to yourself and others if compassion is such a foreign concept?

My new years resolution for 2010 was to learn how to love myself. Over the course of the year, I think being compassionate to myself was a much bigger part of that resolution. I have learned how to deal with crisis, I've learned how to enjoy my 6 senses (vision, hearing, taste, touch, smell, and energy), and I've learned how to meditate. I've learned how to take care of myself. I've learned that I don't have to punish myself when things go wrong or don't go my way. And I have learned that it is ok to be happy. Its ok to be ME.

While I would definitely say I am a happier person now than I have ever been in my life, but I also know that there is a lot more I could do. I still struggle to have compassion for myself when sad or struggling with the challenges of life. As a massage therapist, learning how to be compassionate for myself is key in having compassion for others. If I don't have a healthy compassion for myself, I loose a healthy boundary, which can be dangerous when working in a service industry. I have a history of over compassion and over empathy that leads to co-dependency. But every day, I try to do something for myself. A bath. Sit in the sun. Dream. And day by day I will chip away at the ice block in my heart.

I am

2011-02-12T21:36:00.000-08:00

I am intuitive

I am judging

I am introverted

I am compassionate

I am a thinker

I am a fighter

I am a defender

I am a healer

I am a servant

I am a leader

I am neither male nor female, yet I am both

I seek truth

I seek justice

I abhor self-righteousness and megalomania

I respect the higher being in all of us

I honor the humanity in us all

I speak

I sing

I hear

I feel

I see

Food is my sustenance

Water is my comfort

Music is my passion

Color is my experience

Knowledge is fountain

Wisdom is a gift

My body is my shell

My soul is my connection

My mind is my vehicle

My gender is my filter

My higher self is my guide

Loosing it again (Vickie)

2011-02-06T19:10:00.000-08:00

I am stabilizing at about 800 calories a day and able to adequately sustain myself. But, in order to have enough brain energy to do my math homework, I need to eat more food. Unfortunately, eating more food means that my brain stops working because of the chemicals that I am now sensitive to in them. After two weeks of trying to do math review work from last semester, and miserably frustrated because I just don't understand them, I have realized that I might need to drop out of math. This makes me incredibly sad. I was so happy to finally be doing something to get back on track to finish my major. I was finally going to school, and succeeding! I'm in a scary place right now. I'm loosing feeling and sensation in my lower body again. I can't feel my feet anymore. I'm dissociated most of the day. Panic attacks. I feel lost a lot of the time. I am having a hard time determining what gender I am in, and that is causing major dysphoria. I just want to cry. The further I get down this path, the worse the chemically induced depression gets. It gets harder to search out help and advocate for myself.

Maybe if I don't go to Mesa and take these math classes, I can devote more time to building my business and being able to afford health insurance. I have another hypno appointment this week. I hope it helps. Its the only hope I have to hang on to right now.

Hypnotherapy (alex)

2011-02-01T21:59:00.000-08:00

Today I became a huge fan of hypnotherapy. There is a new hypno program at school and their new lab is short on clients. So I offered to get a session. During the session, we talked for a while, and then the practitioner hypnotized me. It was like a guided meditation that induced a dream. I felt like I was dreaming. It was amazing.

Today has been a rough day. My ex called me on the phone upset at me because I had gotten a new phone and terminated my half of our contract without telling him. Then at class tonight, we were practicing deep abdominal massage. My partner is NOT good at the whole massage thing. But I made it through everything today. And I had some really good moments too.

I highly recommend trying out hypnotherapy. Its pretty awesome. :-)

Head in a Cloud Business explosion (Alex)

2011-01-30T17:15:00.001-08:00

My head is swimming. I have been doing research on my business. I've been on a marathon for the past 10 days, finishing nearly 10 books and I'm in the middle of a half a dozen more. I've got a 2" binder stuffed full of notes and research. Its been my dream since I was a child to get involved in healthcare and specifically alternative medicine. Over the years I have waxed and wanned on my enthusiasm for different aspects of health, from public health to a mainstream medical degree to naturopathy to herbalism to massage therapy. But if I have learned one thing over the past few years, it is that I am an entrepreneur. I love learning but hate school. I love running a business and figuring out how to make it work, but I hate working for others. I get a thrill off of training others to succeed. Over the past year I have been rolling around an idea for a holistic health "hospital". I want to start my own business. So, I've been diving head first into a concentrated research effort the past few weeks. I've been collecting info and resources for 6 months already in a random effort. But I'm full steam ahead now.

My head honestly hurts. One of the books I'm working my way through is a 700 page small print publication for health care administrators on the integration of complementary medicine in health care systems. It has been making my head explode because practically each chapter has been paradigm shifting. It takes me hours to get through something that would take me less than an hour. Its been great. But overwhelming. My goal is to understand the basics of what I need to know to design a large group medical facility that is insurance reimbursed. Obviously I don't have the experience or knowhow to start a facility like that, so I'm putting together a timeline that will start me out small working on one small part of the grand scheme and have me grow it over the next 10-40 years. This is what I want to devote my life to. I'm applying for my Massage License in 2 months. I am going to start volunteering in integrative health centers around San Diego.

What hurts my head so much is designing a system or at least an idea that can be grown in a direction that becomes a final vision. And the final vision is hard to wrap my head around! How do you design an entire "bricks-and-mortar" hospital based, primary care integrative CAM facility that is different than anything ever done yet? There are some outstanding models around the USA. And lots of little clinics too. But it is still a new field and requires reinventing the wheel each time.

Bring it on!

Rammstein Zwitter (Alex)

2011-01-18T12:50:00.000-08:00

I am not a huge fan of Rammstein. In fact, I don't really like Rammstein at all. I think there are much better German bands. That being said, there is an interesting song they did that is a retelling of the Greek myth of Hermaphroditus (found in Book IV of Metamorphoses by Ovid). It is from the perspective of Hermaphroditus (who was born a bio-male!!!!) reflecting back upon the moment when the water nymph, Salmacis, was overcome by lust for the boy and tried to seduce him, but was rejected, so she pleaded with the gods to let her become "one" with him. The gods granted this wish, and Salmacis and Hermaphroditus became two souls in one body, with a mixed male/female body.

Hermaphroditus recounts in this retelling how he has grown to accept himself and love who he is. He also reflects on how being of "two genders" has changed how he interacts with the world. Unfortunately, english translations of the song badly butchers the meaning behind the words and totally do not take in account the story that inspired the song, so therefore they interpret many of the lines wrong. It results in an incredibly crude and disgusting translation. The song, instead, is meant to be one part a celebration of self-acceptance and one part "fuck you world! for seeing me as a disgusting (derogatory) "hermaphrodite!". He describes the subtle meaning of what it means to be of two souls that are now one person and how that changes who he is.

Although I do not see myself as two distinct people in one body, like Hermaphroditus did (and the way many who have multiple personalities), because I am only one soul, I still connect with the situation of moving through the world as two genders because I have to pretend I am two distinct people that are of two different genders (at least on the surface. My surface identity does not change who i am underneath). I feel strongly that if culture and society did not insist on me choosing one or the other gender, I wouldn't feel so pressured to adopt two identities and presentations. I could just be me, without judgement! There have been many cultures throughout time that have recognized this type of person. In some cultures, such as the native american "two spirit", these people often become powerful leaders and shamans. Obviously, the greeks felt a similar way. Hermaphroditus is a God.

Word of note: The literal translation of Zwitter by Rammstein hides the complexity of the double meanings in the german language. Rammstein specifically uses words that have double meaning and are inflammatory interpretations and is being extremely abstract. This is part of the premise and reason to fame of the band. This song is written to be intentionally interpreted as jarring and disgusting. What amazes me (and the reason I am posting it here and talking about it) it that the song is also written in a way that exposes the subtle perspective of someone who understands the plight of Hermaphroditus and can see it from a somewhat neutral and/or good place. Rarely is the story of Hermaphroditus told from that perspective. It is always told from the perspective of a "normal" person, which is like an alien trying to describe what it is like to be a human or vice versa.

Ich hab ihr einen Kuss gestohlen ...............(I had stolen a kiss from her [the nymph])
Sie wollte sich ihn wiederholen ..................(She had wanted to keep him [She was overcome by lust for the boy, and tried to seduce him, but was rejected. So the nymph she called out to the gods that they should never part.])
Ich hab sie nicht mehr losgelassen .............(I did not let her go)
Verschmolzen so zu einer Masse ................(Melted together into one)
So ist es mir nur allzurecht .......................(I am now at peace/it is ok)
Ich bin ein schönes Zweigeschlecht ............(I am a beautiful "Two Spirit“)
Zwei Seelen unter meiner Brust ..................(Two souls in my breast)
Zwei Geschlechter eine Lust ......................(Two sexes/genders but one desire [as in one want, one mindset, or life goal and direction in life, not sexual desire]

Zwitter, Zwitter .....................................(hybrid/two soul/double embodied)
Zwitter, Zwitter

Ich gehe anders durch den Tag ..................(I go through each day differently)
Ich bin der schönste Mensch von allen .........(I am the most beautiful person in the world!)
Ich sehe wunderbare Dinge ........................(I see amazing things)
Die sind mir vorher gar nicht aufgefallen .......(that [each day] I did not/could not see before)
Ich kann mich jeden Tag beglücken .............(I can make myself happy every day [referring to the inner relationship he has with himself, and perhaps a more physical double meaning too])
Ich kann mir selber Rosen schicken ..............(I can send myself roses! [this is a subtle play on words referring to the rigid gender roles in german society and is meant facetiously and sarcastically])
Da ist kein zweiter und kein dritter ..............(there is no second or third [body; but left open to be interpreted as person to play out the dual story line for the rest of the song])
Eins und eins das ist gleich ........................(both souls are the same me; literally one and one is the same)

Zwitter ...................................................(hybrid/two soul/double embodied)
Ich bin so verliebt .....................................(I feel so loved)
Zwitter
Ich bin in mich verliebt ...............................(I love myself! [again, another sarcastic play on words that has a double meaning… I can make love to myself, and figuratively, I love who I am. It means both.])

Eins für mich .............................................(There is only one for me [refering to the original himself and now the one body and one mindset/direction in life)
Eins für dich ..............................................(There is only one for you [referring to the original you of the nymph and now the one body, and one mindset/direction in life)
Gibt es nicht .............................................(there is nothing [other])
Für mich ...................................................(for me [me as in the wholistic person, the both of them now being “the same”])

Eins für mich
Eins für dich
Eins und eins .............................................(both of “us”)
Das bin ich ................................................(that is me!)

Ich bin alleine doch nicht allein ......................(I am alone, but I am also not alone)
Ich kann mit mir zusammen sein .....................(I can just be here with myself [also a play on words which can be doubly interpreted as being able to sleep with himself)
Ich küsse früh mein Spiegelbild .......................(In the morning I kiss my reflection in the mirror [a subtle reference to the rigid gender roles in german society and the expectation of men to be romantic with women and how looking in the mirror in the morning is self affirming when he sees both "souls" in the reflection in the mirror)
Und schlafe abends mit mir ein ......................(At night I sleep alone/with just myself [the grammer refers to an acknowledgment of a second person])
Wenn die anderen Mädchen suchten ...............(when other [men] are chasing women)
Konnt ich mich schon selbst befruchten ...........(I [don’t need to because] I can have a relationship with myself [this is another play on words and is meant facetiously both as an entire phrase and with the use of the word befruchten, meaning both literally being able to “fertilize” himself but referring also to the more abstract reality of having an intimate relationship with a someone else which is inside of himself])
So bin ich dann auch nicht verzagt ..................(so therefore, I am honestly not bothered)
Wenn einer zu mir "Fick dich" sagt ....................(when others tell me to “fuck myself” [again, said in irony. The germans have a very subtle, dry humor])

Zwitter
Ich bin so verliebt
Zwitter
Ich bin in mich verliebt

Eins für mich
Eins für dich
Gibt es nicht
Für mich

Eins für mich
Eins für dich
Eins und eins
Das bin ich

*** I use the male pronouns because Hermaphroditus is bio-male and although some versions of the myth/story refers to an eventual change in gender identity, I don't know the myth well enough to feel like I can wade through society and time's (often derogatory) interpretation of which gender pronoun is the "right one". Therefore, I don't feel at liberty to change it to a gender neutral pronoun or to a female pronoun. I intend to use the male pronoun in the same way one would use "mankind" to mean people****

Note of some of the gender terminology: Zwitter translates literally to hermaphrodite and it is often used to refer to those who are "hermaphrodites", but it's actual meaning translates more closely to "double embodied", "two souls" or "hybrid". It can also be applied to situations where twins in the womb, for example, share a hybrid set of genes from one egg being fertilized by two sperm, producing "zwitter" twins. It is typically interpreted as something relating to the physical/material world, but also could be used metaphorically to describe something more abstract if care was taken to emphasize the more abstract interpretation (like rammstein has managed to do in their song lyrics!)

German also does not differentiate "gender" from "sex" and often use the same word. "Geschlecht" is usually interpreted to mean sex, more than gender. Furthermore, there is less of a distinction between gender identity and sexual identity and sexual orientation than there is in English! There is often one word that can be used for all three depending on context. German has been importing english words in an attempt by the LGBT community to make a distinction between definitions. (For example, Bisexuell for bisexual)

"zweigeschlecht" likewise translates to "two sexed" or "having two genders" (remembering that gender actually means sex, not the gender in your head), "Zweigeschlecht" orignially means something akin to bisexual, but the meaning is shifting to a narrower definition because of the importation of english words.

Museum of Man (alex)

2011-01-16T16:36:00.000-08:00

I've been pretty miserable. I feel like I am putting out fires, one day devoting all my energy to starting my business, then the next day throwing myself into feeding myself, then the next refusing to get up from the couch to try and pretend I have nothing important. Today, I've been making an effort to read the ENTIRE nearly 4 year history of a Salicylate Forum (http://salicylatesensitivity.com/forum). After 3 hours, I only made a dent in the first half of the intro post! So, this might take me a while. But I'm learning a lot!

In an attempt to give my eyes a rest, I went to Balboa Park and ended up at the Museum of Man. There was a tiny little exhibit called Strange Bones, documenting how our bones are living tissues and how they grow and change over the course of a lifetime when confronted with fractures, disease, binding (corsets, foot binding, head shaping, etc), wounds, environmental factors, nutrition, etc. I took pictures of two things that scared me. First, syphilis is the 1st cousin of Lyme Disease. Seeing that Lyme can be even more destructive than syphilis, I was a bit disturbed by the fact that my bones could be doing that! The other is a bone when exposed to excess fluoride (which we get from our drinking water, toothpaste, etc). Although I haven't ruled out that I am having fluoride problems, one of the members on the Salicylate Forum that has helped me a lot DOES have fluoride issues and I wanted to share this particular bone with him/her.

All that being said, I have a whole new appreciation of health and human skeleton. I also spent some time examining the skeletons of other hominid species too. With my new anatomy and kinesiology knowledge from school, I was fascinated by how much I could learn about the different human species by looking at their bones. The human body will never cease to amaze me!

Moving forward in a New Year (vickie)

2011-01-06T14:08:00.001-08:00

Life has been pretty hectic the past 2 weeks. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about who I am and where I am going. I have to say, giving up has certainly been on my mind. Going home for Christmas, back to Ohio, was stressful. I got really really sick and am struggling (still) to get back on my feet. I feel like I am just emerging from a fog. I'm reacting to so much in my environment, I wonder if it will ever come to an end. What has kept me going is my Rotaract group and Bigender.net. In Rotaract, I am taking on responsibilities to bring a public showing of Under Our Skin, a documentary on Lyme Disease. I bought a few copies of the film last week. While watching them, I cried through the entire second half. It gives me so much strength and hope to see others go through this, but at the same time, so much dispair. It seems such an impossible task to get better. There are so many challenges to overcome, I honestly wonder if I have it within me. I am a fighter. I wouldn't be alive if it weren't so. I wouldn't have gotten through the past year if it weren't so either. But the film really hit home with me that there is so much more ahead, so much more pain. And I am only at the BEGINNING of the journey.

Looking back at this year, what has amazed me the most and made the biggest impact on me is the the bigender.net forum I spend a lot of time on. It has provided a safe place where we can all "evolve" in our own ways as gender queer indviduals. Bigender.net has changed my life and literally saved my life several times this year.

It has really been a journey for me this past year. I am just past my one year anniversary of coming out to myself! I have seen my identity as a multigendered individual evolve and mature. I have seen my different modes become their own thing and be what makes ME happy and not what others want to see me as. I have also grown as a person. As an independent, NON-codependent person. Being alone this year and recovering from a relationship has been hard, but it has been one of the greatest things that has happened to me. A true blessing in disguise.

I finally got my new Social Security card with my new name this week. Now I need to go to the DMV and change my name there. I am waiting for a day where I am in male mode, because I need to get my picture taken. It feels like male gender is kind of a innocent until proven guilty kind of thing. It is a lot easier to disprove being male than prove you are male, so I want to get my ID to look as masculine as possible. The point of changing my name to my initials is so that I don't "out" myself with my name. It would be pointless to change my name if my picture wasn't "neutral".

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about my identity as a woman. I recently finished a book on communication between men and women ("You Just Don't Understand" http://www.amazon.com/You-Just-Dont-Understand-Conversation/dp/0060959622/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1294357790&sr=8-1). It has really changed the way I view the world and where I fit into it. I came out of the closet to my grandmother while in Ohio and she took it really well. In fact, I couldn't have asked for anything better! She recognized that I was still the same me and that in the end, gender doesn't matter. It wasn't something that she was negative about or something that she would tolerate; it was simply love and acceptance. It made me very happy. It was such a powerful experience.

What was much more difficult, however, was "coming out" about my illness. I have come to understand recently what that means to me and have finally been able to get to a level of acceptance and faith in journeying forward these past 2 weeks. I discovered when visiting home that my family here in San Diego (that I have been relying on to communicate with the rest of the family as to what I have been going through while I was too sick to communicate on my own for the past 3 years) has been covering everything up, and in some cases lying and saying I was ok, when I am not. In many ways, I think (subconsciously), I wanted to perpetuate that.

I wanted to perpetuate that because it has been critical to my identity as a woman. I have been ashamed to be a female because I feel like I am always "loosing". Being sick is just one of many ways of "being weak". As a bio-female, I have struggled to live in the "female world" because I act in a more male and competitive way much of my life. This book helped me recognize in my heart that the female world is much more egalitarian, rather than just intellectually recognizing that; that that type of world organization is not in competition to the "male world" but simply a different way at looking at the world and a different and just as valid place to be. I have been trying to prove that I am who I am (multigendered) and prove what I am going through, instead of relating and sharing what I am going through and who I am. In addition, I have struggled with the concept of being beautiful and also with feminine power coexisting with what I have often viewed as female subservience and victim-hood. That has manifested in a way that I have always struggled to be "better" or "more" than my partners, family, and friends; everything is a competition, even when that is not what I intended.

However, I have learned an extraordinarily humbleness and inner strength this past 2 weeks that comes from a femininity that I never understood before. That overcoming the challenges I have gone through can be expressed and be a part of who I am as a female and be something to be proud of. It can be a part of how I present and not something to hide. I can be PROUD of my "weaknesses" because my greatest weaknesses are my strengths! This has allowed me the past few days to go out presenting as a female the way that makes ME feel beautiful and strong, not the way society says beauty is. My female side has evolved to a place where I can peacefully live in my own skin and the rules that I judged myself on don't apply anymore. Despite living in the world as a bio-female, for the first time I have actually been able to access the feminine world.

As a male, however, I have learned to stand my ground and stand up for myself. To be direct and how to take the floor. I have learned that some of my feminine ways of talking and relating put me in a one-down position and I inadvertently demasculinate myself when I am trying to prove that I am just the opposite. I discovered what the heck is the big deal about sports teams and found a way to make me feel like I have control and comradery without being needy. This has been just as empowering too.

I am amazed at how lucky I am to live in both the male and female worlds and that I am learning how to gracefully glide between them instead of living in a mish-mash of both worlds, and hence my own little world.

I started classes at Mueller again this week and for the first time, I openly talked about how lucky I feel and how truly blessed and gifted I feel to be bigender. I feel that in many ways, being bigender is a special place that is an honor. I hope that I can cultivate that. I am taking Thai massage, Reiki, and a lab class. Thai totally freaked me out. This is the first bodywork class I have taken since the Trauma Touch Therapy. I still dissociated during class and had a hard time working through it when I got home, but it wasn't as bad as it normally is. So, I guess there is progress! But I am NOT going to give up on this! I will NOT let my body shackle me in chains for the rest of my life! I am going to keep doing what I am afraid of and ashamed of over and over and over again until I get through this!

I had my Reiki class this morning. I think that this class is going to be very difficult, emotionally, for me. But I think it will also be hugely positive too. Lab is on Saturday. I am looking forward towards that, because I want to start building clientle. I want to get my business running and I need to pay for my massage room space too, asap.

So, that all being said, Happy belated New Year! May the upcoming year be full of challenges and tears and love. :-)

Free from School! (Vickie)

2010-12-18T23:32:00.001-08:00

It is finally break! Wow.... I can't believe it. My roommate moved out and it has been absolutely wonderful. Having extra space in the apartment has infused me with a new level of creativity, which I thrive off of. I'm a TCM Wood element. Meaning, I thrive on creating and expanding. I've been devoting some serious time to my Rotaract club, starting my business, and learning as much as I can about the biochemistry of food allergies and remedies. I even got a chance to carve out some space for a music and art studio in the living room, which makes me unbelievably happy. I got a little mini Christmas tree that I put in the middle of the space right in front of the window so that I can show off!

On Monday I am flying to Ohio for a week. I'm a bit nervous. Between my diet and not going home for my grandfather's funeral, AND this will be the first time "out of the closet" with my family.... it's going to be an interesting trip!

I also have pictures of my new office space! YAY!

I have been so careful with my diet lately (well... diligent; I have had some pretty nasty slip ups) and I am feeling amazing now. Today, I also met with the HHP (Holistic Health Practitioner.... what I am studying for at Mueller) that I went to for AAT. I haven't been entirely happy about my experience with him, but I am hoping it is worth it. We are doing a combination of AAT and some other programs he is trained in. AAT is apparently not a very good idea in my case because it works in the same way taking a battery out of the fire alarm gives relief from constant alarms that something is wrong. But my "alarms" are apparently not false alarms and there is some legit underlying problems. We did do an AAT session today for Oxalates, which hopefully will take the edge off of my sensitivities so that I can take some of my supplements. In the mean time, I am learning a lot about new energy therapies. I am totally amazed by the physics. Check out this link (its a 45 minute clip) about muscle testing and a protocol they are using in Japan.

http://bdort.org/BiDigitalORingTestPages/Hallmark.shtml

and this one about the supposed discovery of the "fountain of youth". The team even got a Nobel prize! My HHP wants me to take it. http://www.naturalnews.com/027312_astragalus_aging_health.html

Lyme & Co is coming back (Vickie)

2010-12-13T11:40:00.000-08:00

I feel like I am descending into my own little autistic world again. My symptoms from the Lyme Disease and Co-infections are returning. It is still worth it to stay on this new diet (which also means I can't take my Lyme meds), it is incredibly frustrating.

- My mental clarity is decreasing. I feel like I am in a bubble and fuzzy.

- My spacial manipulation is impaired (dyslexia, symbols & numbers are harder to comprehend, difficult to organize things and line them up, etc)

- My sleep is much more shallow

- Opportunistic infections are coming back. Candida is the biggest one, but several others too.

- Decrease in facial recognition. I can't see the details in faces anymore and be able to identify people.

- concentration is faltering. I tried to take my math test this morning. What normally takes me less than 20 minutes took me twice as long.

- Urges to rock, talk in animal sounds, and hit myself returning

It is disturbing and anxiety provoking. I feel like I am getting lost in my own world again where I am having trouble connecting with other people and navigating through the world. It is getting harder to balance my life and get tasks done. I want to scream for somebody to help me. But I know that I am the only one that can help myself.

Unfortunately, unemployment is on the rocks again. I am being forced to open my business 9 months early. My roommate moved out unexpectedly, so I converted the room into an office. But now I have a lot of pressure to somehow make $500 extra a month, at least. And then I am most likely completely dependent on my business to cover all my expenses in March. It's not an impossible task, but will be just that much more difficult with my Lyme problems returning.

This Holistic Health Practitioner that I am seeing for AAT has so far been a disaster. He gave me some supplements that have gluten in them. I am honestly afraid to see him again. I am hoping to be able to work with him without all the supplements and make some progress so that I can take my Lyme meds. It is my only hope right now.

New Name

2010-12-07T19:26:00.000-08:00

It's official! I've been on a cloud all day. Its my re-birthday. hehe. I'm RVA legally now. Now I get to run all around to the DMV and IRS and SSI and the bank, my school, my financial aid, etc and change my name. I updated my name at one of my schools today and finally got a student ID card (i've been waiting until the name change was official). I look so happy in my picture!

Insightful story

2010-11-29T21:15:00.000-08:00

I want to share a link to a blog that I found. It is a 96 "chapter"-page story on a couple trying to raise two adopted children that were abused before they got them and suffered severe food-related problems. The story follows their attempt to figure out what was making the children sick and the difficulties in raising them. It was a real eye opener for me. I relate in many ways to the children. It gives me hope that some day I will find an answer and patience knowing that I probably won't until I just don't care anymore and I give up.

http://www.eklhad.net/adhd/index.html

Old enemies

2010-11-25T12:22:00.000-08:00

I have some pretty bad memories growing up of trying to get rid of my acne. My mom would pin me when I was little to squeeze out a blackhead. When I was older, she made me wear makeup to cover it all up and bought me all sorts of medicated face washes. I would often wake up in the morning having felt like I didn't sleep, my face swollen and puffy, and in tears with pain. I eventually determined that I was sensitive to Salicylates. They are in aspirin, acne medications, and anything mint. So, I did my best to avoid the obvious culprits. But I regularly got guilted into using my acne facewashes, would wake up before school in tears and pain, and get shamed, yelled at, or occasionally thrown out of bed and across the room to motivate me to "get my ass to school".

At this time, I also simply stopped eating. I was too sick in the mornings to eat, would eat what I could tolerate at lunch, be half-starved by afternoon snack, and then devour whatever was given to me at dinner even if I hated it. I rarely felt good after dinner. I would get extremely tired for about a half hour, then anxious and jittery and incapable of sleeping for HOURS later. It worked out ok for me though, because it meant that I could stay up later doing homework. I never could concentrate on my homework while my mother was awake and in the house. Thankfully she went to bed early most nights. I had to get up at 6am though for school, so I rarely slept more than 6 hours.

We also had a "bread drawer" where we kept all the bread, cookies, chips, etc. By the time I was in High School, I had long ago refused to eat sandwiches or anything out of the drawer. I also refused to eat cereal and pretty much any fruit that was in the house (usually only grapes and apples). I had either oatmeal, a waffle, or nothing in the morning. I tried convincing my parents to let me go vegetarian at one point because I hoped that would make me feel better. Their response to that was to prepare ONLY pasta and meat dishes for a month. My mom refused to even prepare our normal veggie side dishes.

I was wild, unpredictable, moody and emotional as a child and teen. I had poor concentration, was easily provoked into a screaming rage, and would go days spinning out of control in a manic whirlwind followed by weeks and months of depression so deep, I didn't even have the motivation to try and kill myself. I knew something was wrong. But the doctors said I had a clean bill of health. I apparently wasn't "crazy" enough to be allowed to see a therapist. If I tried to utilize the school therapists or go to the nurse, my mother would guaranteed find out (she worked at the school) and would harass me until she found out my "reason" for going and then would yell at me that I was just fine. Needless to say, I don't have fond memories of growing up.

Since then, I have been searching for the answer to what was causing me to feel so bad and act so out of control. I was diagnosed with Celiac disease and that answered a lot of questions. I've found many more food intolerances since then too. I've always avoided salicylates outright (like aspirin and face wash) but never more than that (except a brief time in college when I only used salicylate free soaps, shampoo, toothpaste, etc). The problem is, and I've said this over an over.... the healthier food I eat, the sicker I get.

Guess what?!?! Salicylates are found in MOST fruits and vegetables. Growing up, I didn't eat a whole lot of flavorful foods that have natural salicylates in them. We had a pretty crappy diet of nothing but pasta and meat and salt and pepper. We didn't eat veggies or fruit or have nuts and seeds and spices, teas or condiments. But as I have searched for "safe" food in my gluten free, dairy free, soy free, yeast free, oat free, and corn free diet.... I have started to eat a lot more veggies and oils and vinegars and spices and all sorts of things. But I still stay up late wracked in pain (and there are no "safe" pain meds for me to take) and wake up feeling like shit. I go through the day in a stupor and my 6 years of chronic diarrhea is only getting worse. Granted, I'm a hell of a lot healthier and more functional (at least cognitively) than I was growing up. But you know what!?, I just want to have a good solid crap and a restful night's sleep. Is that really too much to ask???

I'm not happy about trying an elimination diet to see if salicylates really are my problem. There is a pretty good likelihood they are though. This is going to be really tough. Its kinda crappy to realize this on Thanksgiving and going into the holiday season. I finally thought I had figured out something so that this year I can FINALLY partake in the festivities and not just stand around starved watching everyone else pig out. As much as I don't like it, I also don't have the luxury of throwing out all the food in my house and restocking with "safe" salicylate free food because I am beyond poor. Its going to be a tough journey of negotiation and gradual replacement of the most troubling culprits to start with. The salicylate diet is much more complicated than a gluten free diet. Wish me luck! I am going to need it!

More gluten (alex)

2010-11-21T12:45:00.000-08:00

I've been spending a lot of time in a lot of excruciating pain lately (and on the toilet). A few days ago when I increased my meds, it got worse. So I did a bit of investigating.

Guess what?!?! The manufacturer of my medications changed the inactive ingredients to include corn starch, which i react to as if it was wheat gluten. great.

Even more joyful is learning that "enriched" rice is "enriched" by spraying it with starch so that it has more nutrients. So.... that makes most types of rice that I eat, NOT gluten free. White vinegar is made from corn too. My frantic search to find a safe ketchup and avoid headaches has resulted in NOTHING! Damn it! You can take away my tacos and my english muffins, but I won't let you take away my ketchup!!!!! I guess i'm making my own ketchup from now on!

I'm not eating healthy. I'm struggling to get enough calories. And the calories I am getting is from fat... peanut butter and other nuts, full fat coconut milks, pan-frying all of my food in copious amounts of oil or drenching my salads in oil. OMG I am so frustrated. I need help feeding myself.

Will this ever stop???

**EDIT**

Apparently not.... my boxed potatoes have corn on them too. I feel utterly defeated. At least I know why I've been getting so sick lately. All I've been eating is my boxed potatoes and enriched rice.

Ghosts (Vickie)

2010-11-20T14:48:00.000-08:00

My neighbor committed suicide yesterday. Last night the police were here cleaning up the mess. My apartment manager is totally unhinged about it. I've been in shock. I didn't know her well. But we share two walls with each other, including the bathroom with all the piping and everything. My roommate and I felt a totally strange energy yesterday morning and now her ghost won't go away. She was in the shower with my roommate earlier today. I have felt her presence in a general sense, but not specifically yet.

I really don't want to deal with this. I've been confronted with more ghosts at an alarming rate this past 6 months than I really care to since I finished Trauma Touch Therapy. My grandfather has been causing trouble back at home. Not so much here though. He showed up and I talked to him and told him to go away. I haven't seen/felt him since. But he has been at my dad's place a few times. However, I don't feel like this ghost is going to have such a quick resolution. She is lonely and terribly sad and wants company. I have a problem with that. I don't know the woman. I wouldn't even let my grandfather stay. My roommate suggests that this may be a learning opportunity in energetic boundaries. I may try talking to her and setting some boundaries. This is certainly much more complex than the two spirits that live in my Spanish lamps (I had to finally tell them who was boss and let them have their own space, because they were crowding me out of my own apartment! We made some deals and compromises.).

So, my roommate and I have decided that we will be moving out of the apartment in January. We actually made the decision before the whole suicide thing because there is so much mold in the apartment complex that I have been very sick.

I'm just totally freaked out by this whole ordeal.

Coping with Grief (Vickie)

2010-11-11T20:06:00.000-08:00

I've been Ms. Networking this week. I created a LinkedIn profile, polished my website for my massage business, updated the Facebook page for my business, became more active in both of the forums I frequent (one for bigender stuff and the other for Lyme Disease), relaunched my networking Facebook page (almost 500 friends!), and helped create a group and page on FB for the Rotaract club that I am helping to start. We went to Vegas last weekend for a conference to learn some great tips on how to help our club move forward! It was great.

Right now I am listening to Europop and dance/techno. I am really working to reach out to people and find my roots here. I need a web of support. And boy, have I managed to create one over the last year! It has been inspiring. Not so inspiring for for my homework/school grades though. I am looking forward to break. I have been on the go for much longer than I should have been. Good news is that my Lyme meds are actually working (!!!!!) so I am handling it reasonably well.

I've been struggling with balancing my checkbook these days with all the doctor/therapy appointments I am going to. Its been a big source of stress these days. And, keeping up with my therapy and Lyme eradication protocol. Its a job in itself!!! I am enjoying my classes this quarter, but they are a bit much sometimes. Especially my Kinesiology class. I'm not really eating anything anymore.

I've had a bit of change on my gender perspective. I've been sliding into a more static bigender situation. My third gender, while there, is not much a part of my life right now. I haven't quite figured it out yet. Maybe I will update about it later.

What is Bigender (to Brin)? Bigender.net - Brin (Vickie)

2010-10-29T16:43:00.000-07:00

Its self explanatory.

Grandpa (Alex)

2010-10-28T15:46:00.000-07:00

Taking back my blog! (Alex)

2010-10-27T21:57:00.000-07:00

I'm falling apart. I'm struggling with premonitions and the fact that they are coming true. I've been haunted with them my whole life. But I thought I finally made them stop. I've been grieving my grandfather for the past week and a half and trying to figure out how to deal with what I knew. And then it actually came to pass.... my grandfather passed away last night. My Lyme meds are making my ears go haywire and if I don't get it figured out in the next 48 hours, my doctor said I won't be able to fly and thus make it to the funeral.

I am freaking out because our stove is still broken and it makes a difficult situation in feeding myself even more difficult. I am trying so hard to take care of myself. And since I have been so sick and struggling for the previous 10 days, I'm so behind in homework that I am risking serious damage. I have an exam in all four classes starting Thursday and going through Tuesday and some of the classes I haven't even learned the material yet.

So let me say a few things to you ASSHOLES that keep sending me messages about how terrible a person I am. I want to know if you think it is "bitchy" to mourn my grandfather, or get stressed out that I struggle to feed myself, or if I am afraid that I will miss my grandfather's funeral because of some "made up" disease that I should be "grateful" that I am alive because "some people are worse off than me" or some other shit. THIS IS MY BLOG AND NOT YOURS!

I have a right to my own feelings and actions and delusions if that is what they may be. If I tried to be like you and make myself a straight laced, gun carrying, bible thumping idiot like most of you are, or an intellectual "I'm better than you" know-it-all (and by the way, I already have a list of names that I tracked down via all of your IP addresses) most of you would probably have a bullet hole through you (with the sound softened by shooting through your own bible or textbook of choice). But I am not like you. Thus, that is the reason you still have the freedom to harass me. I accept that there are people that life an alternative lifestyle out there consisting of worshiping idols and fake gods and scientific numbers and dead poets. But you don't see me getting in your face about it, do you? So FUCK OFF and live your own deluded life. I'm quite happy in my own delusion, thank you very much!

Wow, what a week! (Alex)

2010-10-22T16:34:00.001-07:00

I got my decision from Social Security on my disability today! DENIED! I plan on repealing with the new information from the Lyme Disease. I'm kinda glad though, because I need the extra money from unemployment for my doctors and if I went on disability, I would have a substantial decrease in income. Its been quite a week. A tough one emotionally, but I got through it nearly 100% in tact and I learned a lot about myself. I'm glad it is over. I've got the weekend to do homework, catch up with friends, and get some much needed relaxation and recuperation. I might even go for a bike ride after I set up the pots and pans drum set on the kitchen floor! Its NEVER too late to be a kid!

Local Lyme Advocate! (Alex)

2010-10-20T00:55:00.000-07:00

Check out this link to a 5 minute clip on lyme disease. Local San Diego 6 News reporter is a survivor of lyme's disease. She is now an advocate and attended a Lyme disease awareness walk last saturday (that i was unaware of) here in San Diego.

http://www.sandiego6.com/mediacenter/local.aspx?articleID=854170

Looking a the pictures on Facebook of the event really made me realize that I am not alone. I may have lost everything, but there are thousands out there that are going through the same thing. I look forward to the day when I can wear a t-shirt that says "I survived", too! Those pictures also made me realize that for many, death is preferable to living a life with lyme. I don't mean to sound fatalistic. Lyme is a TERRIBLE thing. It makes me so angry that people don't understand the severity. Its like having cancer and doctors telling you that you are making it up and that you are crazy because they can't diagnose it for years. Imagine going through cancer without any support from family or friends or society because no one had heard of it. I am forever thankful to be under the care of my naturopath that is helping me get better by leaps and bounds. I have hope for the first time. <3

Boyfriend with Health Benefits (Vickie- red)

2010-10-18T10:58:00.000-07:00

This is amazing. hehe. I can't say I'm entirely innocent of actually doing this either...... :-/

New Direction (Vickie- purple)

2010-10-12T22:30:00.001-07:00

I've been seriously considering stopping blogging the past month or so. I've been getting an increasing number of "anonymous" hate comments on my blog here. Today I got another one and it really made me upset because it was worded in a way that sounds like someone from my family wrote it. In the spirit of Mathew Shepard and yesterday being National Coming Out Day, and today's events revolving around that, I have decided not to let hate defeat me.

Mesa College, where I have started taking some classes, is trying to start up an LGBT group on campus. I went to their meeting and there was like 12 people there (and it was their 3rd ever!) and 3 of us were trans! In honor of yesterday being Nat'l Coming Out Day, we did a round table on our coming out experiences. It was an amazing experience for me because I have never shared that before, nor heard other stories first hand. It made me feel like I wasn't the only one who had suffered at the hands of homophobic towns or schools or religions or parents. But also, many (if not most) had utterly happy and peaceful coming out experiences which made me very very happy.

Mathew Shepard was a college student in Wyoming that was brutally murdered because he was gay. In light of that, the news and media have been talking about scores of young LGBT that have suffered abuse and hate; bullying and being driven to suicide in the past few weeks. I may get a few hateful messages here, but I'm not going to let that stop me. I'm genderqueer and proud to be part of the LGBT community. I'm also thankful that I have wonderful doctors and therapists that are helping me recover from Lymes Disease, which is no less traumatic than having cancer. I need to reach out into the Lymes community for help and support. I'm not going to be bothered by idiots that dare challenge me that I am "just fine" living sick. Anyone who cares about me would want me healthy and happy.... even if it was JUST an imagined illness.

Its been an amazing week so far. I've reconnected with the Rotary club and plan to get very active in the group, perhaps even being president next year. Yesterday I ran into Bastyr college at Mesa and decided to finally follow my dream of going there. And I am going to have fun playing with body paint with my friends on Thursday and go to free Qigong lessons in Balboa Park next Saturday. I see Dr. Mazza next week and I am going to ask her for approval to start Testosterone. I think I want to start sooner rather than later. I want to change my life NOW. Do the things I've always wanted to do. I only have today to live and tomorrow to dream about. I don't want to wait anymore and always put shoulds in front of wants. I don't live under an authoritarian life/fun sucker anymore. I live under my own authority.

Flashback (Bex- yellow)

2010-10-05T12:39:00.001-07:00

I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up and my energy was a mess. It was "processing" but not right. This morning it was wet and rainy and I felt "damp". I am a fire sign/person, so I lit candles and made some tea and recharged. When i got in the shower, I had a flashback of when I was shaken and hit and trapped in a corner. It was really scary. I spent several hours afterwards working it out and using the skills I have worked so hard to gain this past year from Trauma Touch therapy, from school, from DBT, and from my own intuition. I can't say I enjoyed the process of letting it process.... but I am feeling much better and feel like it actually DID process, and not re-traumatize me. That is a HUGE step. I have never accomplished that before. I know that the massage triggered it. I don't know what I expected or intended from working from a massage therapist, but I do feel that this is the right thing to do. Even just a few weeks ago, I don't think I would have been able to do this.

One thing that has really helped recently is that I got a mugwort plant. It is like the shaman of the plant world. Its pretty awesome. It is a protector plant and has a strong spirit and dispels bad spirits and energy. I sometimes feel like I'm sitting in the presence of a plant that is emanating smiley faces in the air. Its so cool. I wish I got more sunlight in my apartment because I would totally keep a Venus Fly Trap too.

I feel much more optimistic about my next massage now than I did last night. Its been a pretty powerful process this past 12 hours. I'm also glad that I'm doing this every 2 weeks. I need the time in between to fully process anything that happens.

Vickie- purple

2010-10-04T22:59:00.000-07:00

I've made the decision to start getting massage. I figure, I need to be comfortable receiving massage before I can BE a massage therapist. My goal is to work with someone that can help me with my somatic issues and build up trust. My naturopath, Dr. Mazza, recommended a friend of her's that is also an MD in mexico. We had an appointment this evening. He did a mostly Tu'i Na session (which is kinda like the Asian version of Swedish with a bit of deep tissue). I set out clear boundaries, and he (mostly) followed them... nothing bad, just stuff I wasn't clear enough on. I figure that this is going to take a few (or more) sessions to be comfortable with, even just the concept of getting a massage.

This is a scary step for me. The way Mueller handled my trauma history ended up giving me severe PTSD. At least I know what I need to do to.

Vickie- purple

2010-10-01T18:56:00.001-07:00

I had a really good session with my therapist today. For the first time in a long time, I feel like someone is one my side, and can actually help me climb out of this hell hole I live in. For the first time I have hope that the terrible things people did to me for 18 years won't haunt me in my dreams anymore and won't make me scream in terror when I am awake.

Fuck you all that made me ruin my life.

I've also realized something. I'm terrified of sitting in silence when someone else is in the room/apartment/house. The only time I ever experienced silence growing up was when I was about to be assaulted. Thats cuz the TVs and radio were turned off whenever something was about to happen.

Malaise (Bex-black)

2010-09-30T17:07:00.000-07:00

The stage of Lyme disease I'm currently suffering with directly correlates to Tertiary Syphilis. Its crazy how similar the two diseases are. But it makes sense, since both are similar "bugs". I'm not on the Venus Fly Trap anymore because it is in a suspension of ethanol that is making me sick. So, right now I've been loading up on vitamins and minerals like zinc and Vit. A. I am back on the detox homeopathics and also one for arthritis. (btw.... I cannot believe how painful arthritis is!) I'm starting to get boils all over me, which means I have a deep, systemic infection and my immune system can't keep up. I hope that tomorrow I can start taking micro-nutrients that are formulated to combat Lymes. Meanwhile, I'm struggling with a bad herxheimer reaction to the homeopathics and a cold.

The weather here has been kinda crazy. It was over 100F (it was 105F when I was at school) on Monday. Its been thunder and rain all day today. I can't remember the last time there was this much variation in the weather here in San Diego. It's nice.

I'm officially a full time student now! 11 credits at Mueller and 5 at Mesa. At the moment I'm feeling over whelmed, but I'm sure it will get better in a few weeks.

I got a whole bunch of new fish last week... one died today. :-( They are little guppies. I got another frog too for the tank. I think I might need to get a hood and filter for the whole thing. I had 3 colored ones and two golden ones (a different species). The colored ones keep chasing and biting the golden ones. Now a gold one is dead. I don't know what is going on.

I've got a new roommate.... again. *sigh*

I've been seeing my gender therapist for almost 3 months now. She has had me join group therapy to... DBT. So, I'm in DBT again. I don't like it much better than before, but we will see where it goes and hopefully it gets better. She wants to make me open up about some of my trauma history at our next appointment, which is Friday. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. Mostly not good ones.

I've been watching the TV show Bones on DVD lately. Its easier just to get lost and check out in the show than reality sometimes. I don't feel pain when I check out. And now that UCSD has started up again, Adam is back in San Diego running the calpirg office. All I can think about is how much I want to be part of the pirg chapters and that i want to prove that I am good enough to get into UCSD. When I do, I intend on being chapter chair and doing something for that chapter that he is just not capable of doing. Make it successful.

Shards (Alex-blue)

2010-09-07T14:19:00.000-07:00

I've kinda been disappointed in myself the past few months or so because I haven't been posting a whole lot about my gender these days. Its been as if I have this mind set that posting about my genders has to be some paradigm shifting thought or something. Also, that when I post about my genders.... it should be about discovering something about one of them, not about them as a whole. A fellow poster at bigender.org refers to his/her genders as "shards" as in shards of glass, because s/he sees each gender as a shard of a mirror. It prompted me to think about my own "shards".

At one point in my life, I did feel like I was like a mirror, often shattering apart and then being glued back together. I felt powerful and capable and complete when I was glued together. But then I would fall apart again. I would feel lost and wondering what happened and where did who I was go?

For me, it took me 23 years to realize that when i felt that way (complete and capable), I was experiencing a whole different gender state and not a place that was "finally me and finally whole!". it was something entirely unique. It was not really me gluing the mirror back together, rather, it was finding a few pieces big enough that I could see myself in as a whole. It energized me and made me feel on top of the world. I finally did break the cycle of feeling complete and capable to feeling fragmented and confused and lost. But at that time, I tried everything to get a fix to make me feel good again. It made me feel like if I didn't somehow get all my energy back and be on full energy (like I did when I felt "put together") then I would never feel stable and happy and complete and healthy.

It has been taking a long time to figure out what exactly it means to be a gender that is not female or male and to come to terms that this is just a part of me, not an ideal place. I eventually learned that for me, the mirror was my surface layer and there was something beneath that was a core and didn't change and I could tap into it whenever I wanted. It was earth shattering for me. I found the strength and the thread I needed to not feel fragmented and lost. It stabilized me. My 3rd gender feels at times like it is the closest to my life force, my core, because I don't feel constrained to what I should be, or do, or think, or whatever as male or female. I can incorporate all that I love about male and female and it makes me feel more whole. Thus, my 3rd gender is my "comfort" zone. My comfort gender. But it is not my core. It is different. And that surprised me even more when I really started trying to figure out what my core was. I found out, yet again, that my 3rd gender is not something that I pass through on my way from male to female and vice versa or when I feel fragmented or complete like I once thought. Its a complete gender on it's own. I definitely do know that if I feel "broken" or don't feel "stable" I can not just "hide" or be another gender while it all works out. I'm not a split person, I am a whole one, and so when something goes wrong I suffer as a whole person, and in all my gender-modes. But the more I learn to understand that each of my genders are their own emotional beings, the more I can grow as a core person, as a WHOLE core, because I am growing as a person from multiple vantage points in life.

Often, I will find that learning to live with more than one gender is about learning who you are on the inside and determining what that means when presenting yourself and interacting with the outside world. Some days I feel like I am going through what most toddlers go through- discovering themselves and the world. I remind myself to take it slow and one day at a time. Children are children for a while, and the stage i am in is not fully grown. I know that if I have a really big break-through for one of my genders emotionally (ie: understanding something fundamental about myself as a certain gender, etc) it tends to affect all my gender-modes. I feel unified in a way, and fully charged, and powerful again like I used to, but I know its going to be fleeting. I have to remind myself that I need to process whatever it was and let it take it's time and my other genders need to process it too. When I am really struggling with something emotionally as one gender, even when I am not fully aware of it, that is when I tend to feel disconnected again. I am prone to anxiety and depression and to be honest, just going crazy when all this happens.

I find writing very helpful to sort it all out when I'm feeling "off" in any way, even when I can't figure out why. That is why I blog here. It helps bring to the surface a lot and stabilizes me. I also try to find things that "ground" me emotionally for each gender. For example, my male gender really likes books and cycling. So I make a point to keep things out (like books, and my boxers have cyclers on them, etc) to remind myself who I am. My energy needs it and it keeps me charged on my own source instead of resorting to drugs or something worse to get my fix again. I still struggle with that. (It has gotten SO much better after working with an energy worker- the trauma touch therapist-for 12 weeks though. She straightened me out a lot.) I have also been discovering that following my intuition is really important too. Call it "the secret", the life force, divination, whatever.... if i don't, I usually start to not feel well. Its like life saying "I told you so!, you should have listened to me....". lol i'm a science guy/gal and to be honest really struggle to let myself believe and trust in such things. but the more I fight, the more I realize that I just need to let my energy guide me to what I need.

Lately, I have started to see myself more comprehensively. It is as if the more separate and independent I allow each gender to present themselves on the outside, the more whole I feel on the inside. I feel more comfortable with myself and each gender is a counterweight, a balance, to me being the healthy, happy person I want to be. Now, when something happens that concerns just one gender, it is something unusual. Each of my genders, granted, have their own emotional being, but if I'm angry about something, I might be angrier when I am male, for example, but I feel it as 3rd and female too. Long ago, if something happened to me, I would only process it (or mostly) through one gender. So when I was raped, and I only processed it through my male and 3rd gender, it is no wonder that I am only now just working through it as a female. My energy is "untangled" now, as my trauma therapist says now. It flows straight. It isn't knotted anymore. The energy doesn't get bottled up in places and/or blocked anymore.

A lot of my experience now is feeling my energy and emotions and thoughts, etc flow through each of my genders/emotional beings and processing through them. I have a hard time imagining what it would be like to have something happen and only need to process it once, cuz in my world I have to do it 3 times. But then again, I get to learn from life from three different angles. I'm a more well rounded individual. It can be a lot of work too though, I will admit. But it is starting to be a comfortable place for me. I'm slowly finding myself and putting the shards back together into a complete piece of glass. Who knows how many more smaller shards are left, but I do know that the big ones are put together now and I can for the first time see myself in the reflection.

Beach (Vickie-red)

2010-09-05T11:24:00.000-07:00

I came across this photo and thought to myself, thats a beach. Kinda pretty. The blogger was going on about how she wishes she lived by a beach like this. Then I realized.... I DO live near a beach like this. But I don't really go to beaches. I don't like the ocean. But, I just wanted to share (and rub it in a bit) that it IS in fact there.

I've probably been to the beach 4 times in the 3 years I've lived here. Maybe I will go tomorrow since I finished my homework and don't have school....

Spoons

2010-09-03T11:38:00.001-07:00

a friend of mine sent me an awesome story. Enjoy!

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

Lyme Disease (Alex-Blue)

2010-09-01T16:12:00.000-07:00

The king of viral infections of HIV/AIDS.

The king of body malfunctions is Cancer.

The king of bacterial infections.... Lyme Disease. Actually, its probably a Queen. But does it matter?

Tests came back positive today. I'm being put on a tincture of Venus Fly Trap. (Its illegal to import because it can cure cancer, just like RIFE machines.) There are few options for me right now. Goal: strengthen immune system. Support liver. Detox body. Hope for the best.

Someday (Alex-blue)

2010-08-30T00:17:00.000-07:00

I worry that I won't ever find someone.... a partner(s). I imagine conversations all the time, running through my head about what I would say if someone was interested in me. About my disabilities, my genders, my diet. I watch movies like "Rain Man" and see myself in the main character. I read complicated technical books and get happily lost in them, but I can't stand shows like "Mad Men" or even talk to my professor and understand the face she gives me.... because I don't get it. I don't understand the drama. I see shows like Mad Men or the Office rife with sexism and racism with women and men trailing after each others crotches and debating how to screw over some guy so that his family ends up on the street homeless and without food. Why is that entertaining?

I think of all the great and wonderful things i have done that few people can say they have accomplished and/or survived. I'm 23 and already come with heavy baggage. I'm sensitive and particular. Seclusive. Needy. I want that safe feeling of being safe in a space with someone I trust. I need someone to understand that I get freaked out if someone touches and can spend hours watching fan blades and running water and flashing lights and details in the leaves of trees and blades of grass, lost in the symphonies of Hayden or Mozart or Verdi. I will talk for hours about genomic structures and how I made my latest dinner dish and my plans to someday own my own business or the architecture & culture of Europe, past and present. I am fascinated that abstraction and math and music and art and physics all converge into the wondrous and mysterious image and can be calculated and depicted and mesmerizing but please don't ask me to calculate it because the numbers and symbols will jump all over the page or go missing. It is not that I can't solve the problem, it is that my brain keeps seeing the wrong problems and solving those ones.

I'm possessive and don't like people touching or taking my stuff. I expect people to follow the rules and treat each other with respect. There are social rules too! I put a lot of effort to follow them and I expect others to do the same towards me. I get angry and confused when people are shallow about anything.... fads, life, hobbies, putting on a mask for society, lying to make things "easier". All people deserve to live their lives not impinged on by others. Social Justice is for all, not a few. Greed makes little sense to me either. Or wanting absolute power and control. I need to control everything. Control my environment, my life. But why would someone want so much power that they hurt others and continue to do so, even when they know they are doing so?

I want someone to share my life with. I need a family. A family that cares about my wellbeing through deeds and words, not just sentiment. I need people in my life that care about my wellbeing. Not people that are not what they seem like or say on the surface. I don't get that. Life is already too complicated.... why make it more so?

Lately I've been giving up on the constant anxiety and tension to do/try what I know is "normal". I try so hard. It was indoctrinated into me. I can't be "weird" I was told. But I want to stop doing that. It feels like a double edge sword. It feels like admitting that I loose my inheritance to "normalcy" and admitting that I am some psychiatric case. But I don't believe I am. Most of the time. I just don't want others to think I am. I just want to be me. Live out my desires and not constantly tailor them to think... if I do this or say that will people look at me funny? I know how to act normal. But I don't want to do that anymore. I'm giving up on that.

Muscle tone (Alex- blue)

2010-08-25T22:35:00.000-07:00

I have a problem.

I am loosing feeling, sensation and control of my muscles. I can't move them. I can't feel my body. My sensation is dull. I can dig my nail into my body and hardly feel it. Some places tingle. I can tense major muscle groups (in most part of my body--- in some I can't at all). I can not relax any muscle voluntarily.

This has been getting progressively worse for over a month. I've been much worse than this and God, I really don't want to get that bad. But it is progressing steadily. I feel desperate and I am watching and feeling myself loose sensation and control. Desperation to feel something. Desperation to move. Desperation to relax so that the tense muscles aren't always twitching.

I've taken the Calcium and Magnesium, etc. I've taken the pain meds, the sedatives, the muscle relaxers.... nothing works. And I can't feel my body. I'm turning into a fluffy cotton ball feeling. Why is this happening to ME?!?!?!

What am I? (Bex-yellow)

2010-08-21T23:22:00.000-07:00

I don't like the ocean. Or the desert. It presents a problem when one lives in San Diego. None-the-less, I have a habit of wanting to go out on Saturday nights, and actually interact with people! I'm learning to use my new Asperger strategies to good use. Normally I just walk around Hillcrest or Downtown. I rarely work up the courage to go IN places. But it is fun to look at buildings and people at night. They look different at night.

Tonight I didn't go out out. I went to the beach. I normally leave at around 10pm on Saturdays, so I got in my car and went to Dog Beach in Ocean Beach. Let me remind you... I don't like the ocean. I just wanted to go somewhere. I needed to clear my head. I started walking along the water's edge. One of the reasons I don't like the ocean is because it is so loud.... and so ANGRY sounding. I watched for a while. I tried to remember all the times I had come to the ocean. Whale watches, school trips, hiking trips, Oaxaca Mexico. I realized that despite my aversion to the ocean it had left a huge mark on my life; changes. I walked to the pier and then back. I watched the ocean at the pier for a while and contemplated that the ocean was so angry and it never stopped. Chaos kept rolling; never ending. The waves slowly fizzed out and rolled onto shore and left a mark on the sand.... that with time will eventually lift/evaporate away. My life I guess is kinda like that.

After a while on walking on the waters edge again (mostly to avoid the fire rings with people further up from the tides) I realized I was walking between the chaos of my life and the social life I always wanted. I walked between and was yet so close to both.

I've been very depressed lately. I have been processing a lot of emotions from a year ago. It has hit me kind of hard. My new medication (I'm off Lithium finally!!!!!!) is sedating me (which contrary to popular thought makes things worse) and the intended effects won't kick in until almost October, so I'm kinda going solo here. I feel like one of the only things that I was ever good at, I am so ashamed of. I was really good at something, and I still get compliments on it occasionally. I'm proud of the skill but ashamed at how I acquired it and how I used it. I was prepared to be successful because I practiced almost everyday as a child. Its no thing a child should have to learn. I tried to use it for good and did for a while. Then, I found I could support my self and get off of pretty much living on the streets. I hated it while I was doing it. Yet I miss it terribly..... cuz it made me happy. I was successful, respected, looked up to, better than everyone else, and worth something. It was something that helped others in the long run and respected by powerful people. It was respected, honestly, cuz it is a dirty job. No one wants to do it. Not many can. And I was GOOD AT IT. Top of the line. I was ashamed that I was doing such as low level dirty job but went to sleep proud of myself every night that it I did it and I was one the best! I left willingly. I wanted to move up in the world. I didn't exactly make it.

When you don't have friends and family to give you that worth of a person, your career and your hobbies are almost everything to you. The people in your life mean pretty much everything, even if they are not the healthiest people for you in the world. I admit it... I'm jealous that I'm not mucking it with the best of them in one of the least desirable jobs in this country. I miss the people that were there for you no matter what when it got bad and you for them. Its like the brotherly love you have for your fellow soldiers. We were soldiers of civil service. The kind you don't hear about and spit upon when you do. Hated and respected by all. It comes complete with battle scars, stories, training, commanders and officers, missions and PTSD.

I'm looking for myself. Trying to find myself. My direction. I know where I am and I know who I am. But what am I? What do you do with yourself when you come back from the War and what you have been trained to be doesn't exist in civilian life?

Frustrated (Alex-Blue)

2010-08-18T14:30:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm spinning a lot of different plates. I decided to go up to Mesa College today. I had to turn in some paperwork by today to get my name changed in the rosters at school. I'm still fighting Mueller about that too. While I was there I wanted to find my classroom and the bookstore. I find that I have to take things in little bites or I get overwhelmed. I got overwhelmed. I found my classroom, then I stumbled upon the commons, and then went searching for the Bookstore. I should have stopped when I stumbled upon the commons. I'm dissociated and dizzy. My new medications don't help either because they are heavily sedating me. In a prefect world I would try to meet the teacher before class starts on Monday. I have a feeling that its going to be to much, with class and everything. One step at a time.

I am waiting on the test results for Lyme. I meet with my doctor on the 2nd of September. My brother and his girlfriend are going to be in town that week as well. In the meantime, I am really starting to struggle with what appears to be arthritis. It makes me worry about my career as a massage therapist. I sat down with the director of bodywork at Mueller and we talked about options and career paths. No matter how I fight it, life is pushing me towards energy work. I don't even believe in energy work!!!

I am becoming frustrated with my psychological team as well. I feel like I am not being respected because at least 6 different major diagnosis's have been thrown around/at me the past few weeks and I'm not getting much say in it. I will be meeting with the supervisor of my psychiatrist on Friday. Who knows what will happen. Everything could get sorted out or everything could go to shit.

Everything is about waiting now. Waiting for Disability insurance. Waiting to be able to start my business rolling. And, at the end of September I have an endocrinology appointment that I am hoping will get the ball rolling to start Testosterone. Hopefully I will have answers and information between now and then to be able to work with the physician more efficiently. Between now and then I will go on with my frustratingly starvation grain-free diet (sans corn) and adjusting to my new meds. Sedation, WHOOOOOOO! (not so good on the focusing on school and driving side of things).

Back to Basics

2010-08-09T13:40:00.000-07:00

It comes full circle.... I saw my Naturopath today. She needed to talk/speak to me about something she found in my charts. Apparently my white blood cell counts are chronically low indicating an ongoing low level infection. We had assumed years ago that it was a result of inflammation from gluten. Then I updated her on the Aspergers and my frustration that my sore throat and sinus infection and yeast infection has not gone away despite the elimination of corn. This freaked her out and apparently "confirms" her suspicions. The two course antibiotic treatment I had taken for Lyme's Disease years ago probably did not eradicate it. So, she drew blood and is sending it to the lab to test for Lyme's.

I don't know how to describe my thoughts and feelings now. Exasperated is the closest I can come. I just want this to be over. At least I don't have psychosis anymore (thank you gluten elimination).

Letting Go (Alex-green)

2010-08-07T19:36:00.001-07:00

I remember the first post I made on this blog when I started it. I remember quite visibly. I don't remember what I wrote exactly but it was something along the lines that this was going to document my time in Germany. The thing is.... when I wrote that, I didn't believe it. I knew this blog was going to be more than that. It was about me trying to find myself.

I was in my personal finance class and very very sick. I was sleeping more than usual and was a walking zombie for lack of sleep. Eventually the doctors said I had mono. Over time I was diagnosed with Lymes Disease, then hypoglycemia, then as a hypochondriac.... eventually Celiac Disease, adrenal problems, food allergies, depression, bipolar, trauma survivor, ptsd, anxiety disorders, and now Aspergers, Dysthymic Disorder, and ADD. I've been running for so long. Running away and running towards something. But I have been taking the new diagnoses better than I expected. To my benefit, I'm not suicidal or breaking down or malfunctioning in some way. Granted I haven't slept much in 2 days (actually all week) and haven't eaten either. I've been just processing.

I'm actually quite happy about it all. I feel surprisingly lighter now. The pieces to the puzzle have been found. So why am I grieving?

After a 2 day marathon of Hulu I actually stepped foot out of my apartment this evening. The sun was starting to go down and clarity came to me. I wondered what in the world I am doing in San Diego and how did I get here? What am I doing with my life now that I am not running anymore? Then it struck me.... I never made the conscious choice to move here. It was one of survival. I never asked myself if I wan't to move here. I'm free to go anywhere I want in this world. But if I stay here, then it has to be with purpose. A lot of anger, pain, grief from my past has been the subject of my dismay the past few days. It feels like to me a last hurrah.... I was sick as a child, and my mother took it out on me. Beat me, punished me, blackmailed me and my teachers, yelled at me, abused me. Let me be molested. Punished me for being serially raped. And my family always told me that "nothing was wrong with me" whenever I asked for help. In the end, I guess it doesn't matter. My doctors believe that the Ausperger tendencies and much of everything else is probably a product of trauma and just manifests as an imitation of the plethora of psychiatric disorders I have now.

So, I'm saying my last goodbyes and finally letting go of the pain and anger that I have held for so long. If nothing else, I'm at least capable of making decisions and living for me now. I'm no longer on automatic pilot.

Guilt (vickie-orange)

2010-08-02T15:59:00.001-07:00

Its been really bothering me lately that my ex has been doing really well in his job lately. The reason is that when we worked together last year, our office was a complete failure. Together, the two of us were some of the best fundraisers in the nation, and certainly on the west coast. But we couldn't successfully run the office or retain staff. Granted, it was in the middle of one of the worse recessions EVER and almost no office across the country was doing well either. Eventually, I took over much of the staffing and in-field training that was above my rank just to keep the office from being shut down. Later, I went on to use those skills to start a whole solar company and bring in over one-half million dollars in our first quarter.

We left the company together, he to another division and I to the solar company. A friend of his came to take over our office. For several months he didn't do well at all either. Then, things picked up and they have been doing awesome ever since. My ex, however went on to learn many valuable skills at this other position on the UCSD campus. Over the summers, however, he is required to run a fundraising office again. He is in Santa Cruz now, and is bringing in more money in a week than we managed in half a year. He is breaking all sorts of crazy records, and frankly, doing very very well.

So, why do I feel so terrible about it?

For some reason it makes me feel that the reason the office was such a failure last year was because of me. My presence (or lack thereof) is the biggest variable. But I guess logically that doesn't make sense. He has learned a lot and come a long way since last year and he deserves to finally be able to be successful at managing a fundraising office. I just wish I didn't feel so guilty about it, like his failures were my fault. Although he never did tell me why he broke up with me, somewhere in my gut, him blaming me for his failure to do his job well, although he never said it, probably had a bigger in his decision to leave me than most of the other fears and reasons I could come up with. That makes me very uncomfortable. That was something I never could understand about him or anyone else.... why people blamed others for their own problems.

Life (Bex-yellow)

2010-08-01T10:46:00.000-07:00

Birds take flight

an endless array of possibility

to choose

to go

wherever they may

but evolutions cruel joke made

only one path

one way

one migratory route

to live and die by

a jail with invisible walls

an illusion of freedom

Bigender Comics (Alex- purple)

2010-07-26T12:07:00.000-07:00

No tacos :*-( (Bex-yellow)

2010-07-20T11:46:00.000-07:00

I've been getting really fed up with this whole adrenal problems, not sleeping, never feeling well bullshit. Finally ponied up my credit card (and I had finally paid it off too....) and went to see my Naturopathic Doctor.

Conclusion: the reason I am not getting better is because corn has gluten in it too. Not a lot, but enough that if you are super sensitive to GF oats, you will be sensitive to corn. Just last week I was telling my friends that if I ever moved out of San Diego I wouldn't be able to have tacos anymore and there would be no life after tacos. :-( I guess I spoke too soon.

So, i'm on a new adrenal support, a new corn-free diet, and a homeopathic detox/cleanse with gluten and casein enzymes. I'm not sure how to take this all, and process it. I LIVE off of corn. Corn, potatoes and rice. But, if it makes me better..... I'll give it a try.

Happy Pride weekend! (Bex-orange)

2010-07-18T23:56:00.000-07:00

HAPPY PRIDE!

I went to the parade and had a great time. Unfortunately I didn't make it out to the festival or the clubs but my roommate and I strung up some gay and bi flags in front of our apartment. Not much else to say.

By the way... I LOVE my new transgender therapist. She is awesome. She has even worked with people who are bigender before. Somehow, that makes me feel more legitimate; that I'm not making it up. Its hard when I get tranny-hate mail messages on my blog here.

But on a positive note... my life is really starting to look positive. i've been through a lot these past 3 months with the trauma therapy. I feel like I am whole now and that I have control over my own life, AND a voice. I am what I make of myself and no one or nothing can bring me down like that again.

what gives people the right? (Bex- orange)

2010-07-10T12:33:00.000-07:00

What gives people the right to get up in my face and question me about having short hair (or facial hair) or having an unusual name or something else so intensely that I have to choose whether I want come out to them as trans or lie? And then when I come out, they still push the envelope and want to know what my genitalia look like or who I'm sleeping with. REALLY? Do I have to have this conversation with my professor in front of all of my classmates? Do I really need to answer those kind of questions when it is adequately explained on the same internet page the picture is on that you are confused about? Is confronting me at a party when I'm having a good time in front of people I am NOT out to really the appropriate situation? And when you haven't talked to me in 3, 4, or 5 years... what gives you the right to ask me such intimate things and then judge me? And what give people the right to think I am deranged and mentally ill?

I'm frustrated. I wish some people would grow up.

What is Trauma Touch Therapy?

2010-07-08T17:10:00.000-07:00

I only have one more session of Trauma Touch Therapy. People have been asking me, what is trauma touch? On a physical level, you are working with a therapist to reroute your nerves that go between your body and your brain and to retrain your brain to think in a way that is healthy and not misfiring from your traumatic past. Most people manifest trauma psycho-somatically if trauma has been left untreated for years via behavioral patterns and aches/pains/illness & disease. In addition, by going through skills sessions to learn boundaries and other important skills you build up a way to empower yourself and prevent trauma from impairing you again. It is essentially about waking up the systems in your body that protect you and make you feel good and help you be a productive person. Trauma Touch is about helping you help yourself, teaching you to do what you already know how to do, but forgot or may have never learned.

Anything can be trauma... even falling off a bike or an argument with a friend. We deal with dozens of "trauma's" every day. Think how amazing it is that we can deal with those every day, without even thinking about it! Its that .1% that gets through our defenses that can make us go haywire. Trauma hijacks the brain and the body and when unresolved the body is on the same "high alert" that it was in right after the original incident. It makes everything work off kilter and after many years, many things start malfunctioning in our bodies, brains, minds, emotions, and spirit.

After nearly completing the program, I feel like I used to have tunnel vision (and never realized it before) that tunneled right to the painful memories and emotions in an instant. Now they are just old memories, as benign as the last book I read. Lessons that I learned from and can finally move on from. I live more in the moment, the now and the future. I can enjoy things that I would give up my first born to avoid (like watching fireworks or being intimate with a lover). I feel stable and balanced and ready to enjoy each day as it comes. Aches and chronic pains and some food allergies are gone. Old injuries healed, bad posture corrected, and anxiety/PTSD symptoms are GONE too. Its mostly subtle inner changes though. My doctors say that nothing is different. But my dad says I'm "friendlier" and my moods have evened out. Addictions that I used to have I have no need for. I stopped and didn't realize I had stopped until long after. I feel wiser now. I can step back watch something with a small inner smile. I've stopped reacting to everything and now can plan and act.

For me, however, the deeper I got into the sessions, the more spiritual it became for me. I became much more connected to myself and I could feel my energy, my life force moving. I was so "stuck" before. Stuck in everything... from my view on life, to the way I moved by body, to being able to feel my emotions. Learning how to trust my body as it was adjusting and gaining skills and my energy moving around was challenging, but liberating. It started to change the way I interacted with the world. I started trusting providence to bring me what I need instead of always fighting. Listening to my body and what it needs led me to try doing the same with my energy, my spirit, within me. If that is driving all day to get to the beach or bringing home something at the grocery store that I've never seen before, I do, because it "feels right" and "feels like what I need". It has become a give and take. I let providence bring me what I need that I don't have and I go after the things that my body tells me I need that I can reach. It is crazy specific. I need money... I get money. I'm looking for the perfect roommate with a million specifications, and I get that perfect roommate. Sometimes its like a best friend that can fill in your sentences and I'm looking for something and I cant describe it or visualize it, but I can give a feeling. And the answer to what will produce what I want just shows up. I used this new process to design an exercise program... and its fun to do it! I don't have to think about "what to make for dinner" or mull over any decisions, even life changing one's it seems, because the perfect and ideal decision just happens. The more I practice with it, the more unbelievable it gets.

Ironically, as a chemist somehow all this crazy energy/providence stuff makes more sense than anything else I have ever encountered. The explanations, the whats and whys and hows, fit too perfectly into the models and atomic theories in my textbooks. Call me crazy.... but honestly, I feel like I have stepped into a whole new world. That is how much my paradigm has shifted.

Entering Summer (Bex-yellow)

2010-07-01T22:38:00.000-07:00

I have been posting just as often as I used to.... but I have two blogs I update now, so I guess this one is only getting half the attention. Also, I'm finding a lot of balance in my life and have less need to work it out or share. My trauma touch therapy is over in just 2 more sessions. Trauma Touch has changed my life. I feel less stuck and have more vitality. I feel capable of active listening and feeling and observing the world; soaking it in and then responding, not just being in a constant reaction mode. I feel capable of speaking my mind and being more rational. I actually feel, both emotionally and physically and I am more sensitive and sensations and feelings are more nuanced. I feel like I am more connected with my body and have matured so much. Today's session was incredible, as was last week. Last week, I actually saw the chakra color of an area that is incredibly traumatized in me and we were working on. I didn't believe in chakras until that very moment. Today we were working on two other chakra energy centers and it felt like my organs were "coming online" as if the nerve connections were numbed out and suddenly I could FEEL my different organs. I have been experiencing a similar phenomenon with other parts of my body (skin, muscles, etc) for weeks now. As soon as my organs came "online" it was as if I were completely connected for the first time in decades and shortly thereafter, I felt like something shifted and a I felt like a "normal" person. I never realized that I didn't feel that way in the first place. It was if someone had cut open my stomach and my guts had spilled out and a doctor put them all back in and sewed me up and they shifted back to where they were "supposed" to be. You only know what that is when it happens, because suddenly it feels "right". With two more sessions left, I am curious to know what will happen.

This was also the first week of summer quarter. I have decided to present as a different gender for each of my three classes. I am also starting discussions with Mueller staff to design some sort of transgender policy. I am incredibly nervous about moving to a new campus this quarter (mid-way through). Apparently there are no gender neutral bathrooms like our current campuses have.

Tomorrow I am starting therapy with a transgender specialist. I am excited. This is starting a new, positive path for me. This is the path that will lead me to hormones and surgery if that is right for me. I find it interesting that of all the transgender people I have met.... none are like me. I am so unique. I find it interesting that even when I am something that is different, I am different even within that different group. Between my gender variance and trauma touch therapy... I feel like I have found my purpose and my calling. I don't know where I will end up or what I will be doing, but this is what I need to do. I realized today while doing my homework for business class that the only thing that will prevent me from doing this anything in my life is my own fear. I have over come so much, and I am building the tools to face pretty much anything else now.

One of my friends is also getting married tomorrow and I am giving her a massage in the morning after my transgender appointment. I hope I am Vickie tomorrow... because I don't have any clothes to wear to the wedding that are not Vickie clothes..... yet.

fucking Salt (Alex-green)

2010-06-19T10:30:00.000-07:00

I think I figured out why I have been having insomnia! Its partially the bipolar meds (lithium... a salt/metal) and partially that my adrenal glands are fucked up.

The adrenal cortex (the outer layer of the adrenal gland) produces 3 main types of chemicals/hormones.

Those hormones are:

1) Cortisol/Cortisone

2) Mineralcorticoids

3) Angdrogens

Now here is the fun part. Cortisol is the "stress hormone" and cortisone is essentially the same chemical. Its the stuff you can get at CVS in a creme to rub on your skin for pain, itching, and inflammation. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am ALWAYS stressed out, mostly for no reason. And, I'm always numb to pain. When I get contaminated from gluten, my inflammation is SUPER low.

Mineralcorticoids regulate the salt levels in your body and balance how much water you have. Too much can lead to swelling. To little leads to dehydration. Improper salt levels impact your ability to metabolize sugar manifesting as a pseudo-diabetes and/or hypoglycemia. The metals that are embedded in salts are essential for everything from moving your muscles to absorbing other nutrients in your gut after you eat. I've got all of the above.

Androgens are the sex hormones. The primary androgen produced in the Adrenal Glands is DHEA which is a precursor to creating testosterone in the body. I have a super high DHEA level.

I've always had problems with this, but they have gotten significantly worse when I started taking Lithium Carbonate, a lithium salt, for my bipolar. The higher the dosage, the more problems I had. I found that taking high dosages of other minerals helped balance out that high lithium load. But I'm getting to the point that I would MUCH rather resolve what is causing it in the first place. Oh I wish I had health insurance!

Guilt (vickie- red)

2010-06-14T13:21:00.001-07:00

So, something I don't understand. There is this huge social stigma to be "normal". Things like mental illness or anything "perceived" as mental illness (like transgenderism or being gay) automatically makes you an outcast. When something goes wrong people always blame it on the fact that you are "sick" and tell you "you need help" or "go see a therapist". So my question is, why then, if you actually do start helping yourself, why is actually getting "help" like a social taboo. Those who are "normal" treat you like shit for doing therapy and many of those who "suffer" like you, think you are betraying them. And if you actually manage to "fix" yourself, you can never really come clean about where you were and what you went through without being see as only the outcast you once were?

Why are people like that? Its a catch 22.

Last night my roommate had an emotional explosion on me. I think she was under the impression that if she left for the weekend, when she came back everything would be fine and I wouldn't be pushing her out the door. I found someone else to rent the room and I asked her to move out by friday, which is one week later than we had originally agreed on. From here, it was "why to you hate me?" and "I'll be homeless because I won't be able to find a place" and "I care about you, I'm the only one that you have" and more and when all that didn't work.... then in started the attacks. She ranted that "no one respects you... your last roommate, your ex-boyfriend, your parents, I'm the only one that cares about you!" to "you never told me you were sick in the head when you moved in!" and "I never knew that you were trans" (I put that in the craigslist ad) and "we were best friends, just yesterday, I don't understand what changed!" and more.

It definiately stung because I have heard this so many times from so many people over the years. And I always believed them, that I was a piece of shit, a lier, someone who made others miserable because of what I am/said/did, and I'm so mentally sick that I have no right to say or think the things that I want. This time was the first time I managed to separate myself from it all, take step back, and use reason. I am proud of myself. I feel I have done the right thing. I have done nothing malicious. It is not my fault that she is not willing or capable to talk rationally. Its hard because I have been in her shoes. I know very keenly how she is thinking, feeling, reacting to all this. I know her part better than mine right now. My part is living for myself. Respect for myself and others.

But I feel very keenly guilty for all the pain and misery I have caused myself and others while I suffered for so long and no one had enough compassion to help me help myself. I gently offered compassion to my roommate. I know how it feels when someone tries to force it on you. But if you don't want it, or you are not ready for it, you can't receive it.

I'm becoming a new person. Trauma Touch is helping me become the person I have always been underneath. I guess my only choice it to keep running towards freedom and remember that looking back is not part of my job description now.

Peace (Bex- green)

2010-06-13T18:30:00.000-07:00

Peace: It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in you heart. - unknown

Blogger redid all of their templates.... so I have a new background now!

I normally feel this drive to blog every few days. But I haven't this week. Its been the last week of practice before my final exams next week for massage class. I rented a table to practice all weekend and I managed to string up some sheets in my apartment to make an awesome little massage room. I also got a fish! .... and really dumb little water frog too. I've been slowly working through all the money I got 10 days ago. Its like the more money you have, the less you seem to have to get what you want. Why is that?

I decided to kick out my roommate. I didn't get that far though before she got all panicky on me and decided I must be throwing her out on the street and chose her own date to move out (sooner than what I was intending!) I found an awesome new roomie who is genderqueer and we have a ton of things in common. So, I'm hoping for the best! *sigh*.....again.

I bought a light box to help with my insomnia that I have been struggling with. I realized that when I moved into a different room in my apartment I wasn't getting as much sunlight anymore. My sleeping health bombed about the same time which of course impacted everything else! The light box as bulbs that imitate the sun.... yay! I got it on Ebay and it is shipping from Florida, so it might be a while.

Its been really nice to get some things (clothes, wigs, shoes... yea, I totally got elevator shoes for when I am alex!, etc) that help me transition from one gender to the other. Its made my stress levels much lower this week. I also have been working really hard to lower my anxiety and that has helped with the sleeping. I'm actually getting 8 hours now (now just rooting for the quality part with the light box)! Trauma Touch Therapy is making such a huge impact for me too that I am realizing that I have never experienced happiness like this before. Just simply being content through the day is euphoric.

Sorry that this is not insightful and is like an update essay. Better something than nothing, right?

Happy Birthday to ME! (Bex-black)

2010-06-07T11:30:00.001-07:00

happy birthday to me. happy birthday to me! happy birthday dear meeeeeeeee. Happy birthday to me!

It was my birthday yesterday!

Seeing that all my friends were co-workers and most have been relocated to other parts of the country or they are uncomfortable around me because of my gender identity or bipolar.... I spent my birthday weekend mostly alone. But you know what? It was the best fucking b-day EVA! (yea I just said eva. if that bothers you go read another blog).

Thursday, 5 months worth of unemployment checks cleared my bank account (I won my case against the unemployment board) so it was a happy day. I've never been so (albeit briefly) rich! I visited all my favorite grocery stores and bought only the most exotic food i could find, or things I've never had before. Then I paid all my bills, my entire car insurance policy, and paid off ALL of my debt from the 3 maxed out credit cards I own! WOOOOOOOO! There was still some to spare.

Friday I drove north along the coast and visited the beautiful rolling hills of Carlsbad. Then later I went out to eat at my favorite Mexican taco place. Then took the trolley downtown for the evening and hung out.

Saturday I went out to lunch at a Persian restaurant with my dad and his partner (it was sooooo good) and then we had birthday cake later on (gluten free, dairy free, yeast free, soy free red velvet.... amazingly good as well). Then I went out shopping at Target and Ross where I got some clothes and cooking stuff and an ipod. That evening I went out dressed as Alex in my new clothes. Ended up at a gay dance club (strippers and bar included). They were hosting a cross-dressing theme and a drag show. It was wild, to say the least.

Sunday (D-day!... both metaphorically and literally. Its a terrible date to be born on.) I slept in. Took a shower and got dressed up in heels, my Vickie wig, a bright orange African hand purse and a bright yellow peasant shirt. I had breakfast somewhere around 2 in the afternoon at my favorite Thai restaurant where I had soup and read a book: a 400 pg literary "review" of Fitzgerald and Hemingway. Came home and went to a second hand shop and got some more clothes (for Alex.... btw... it is difficult to try on clothes for a gender that you are not "in". its disorienting) and came home trying to figure out how to widen my shoulders. I went off to Jo Ann fabrics and got womens shoulder pads and impulsively bought a pattern and cloth to make an apron. Came home, changed into my new Alex ensemble, my roommate came home and freaked out that my boobs were gone, I made pizza (see my post

on my other blog), watched one of my favorite tv shows (ReGenisis) and called it a night.

It was a really good weekend!

Scales (Alex- purple)

2010-06-01T23:53:00.000-07:00

Sex: 1

Gender: 7

Gender Expression: 12

Sexuality: 16

Obama Makes June LGBT Month!! (Alex-purple)

2010-05-31T12:12:00.000-07:00

Awesome news! Check this out....

Obama Declares June LGBT Month | News | Advocate.com

On the road to recovery (Bex-green)

2010-05-28T21:59:00.000-07:00

I had another trauma touch therapy today. The first 1.5 hours we talked about the neurology of trauma in the brain and then I got my therapist off on a tangent on the theory of trauma in the body and how it gets "stuck" in there and how that relates to the process of releasing it. It was fun. :-)

Then we did the bodywork session. It was intense. Lots of energy. I had trouble staying present and not dissociating out of my body. I've been struggling to process the intense energy and staying present for several hours now. I have been shaking (more like a very quiet vibration) for just as long. I even start getting sharp pain sometimes and I do my little mental exercise and it goes away and my body actually feels lighter. I can feel parts of my body/skin everywhere that I never knew were numb and chronic pain in several parts is almost gone. Some of my muscles that are normally tight where they are not supposed to be and subsequently I have never experienced relaxed, are relaxed. My body is very sore. Very very sore. I'm exhausted. I hope I get a good night's rest tonight.

I am still reeling from the past few days. I feel very different now though. I really feel that I faced this huge fear and conquered it (some of it at least). For that I am very proud. I also feel that I know I can be Vickie anytime I want to.... but I don't have to if I don't want to. I have a choice now. I feel empowered. Its been a hectic and emotional week. Now for a few days of recovery and some apple pie and BBQ and maybe a Padres game too. Thank you everyone whom have been so amazingly supportive this week! I don't know what I would have done without you. I feel so loved. :-)

Dreaming Big (Vickie- red)

2010-05-26T12:14:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately. I've been thinking of all these long monologues and all these amazing topics to write or speak about; everything to Lost!, how does that make sense?!?! to levels emotional and trauma release to how trauma changes our genome. But nothing feels right, to talk about yet at least. There are holes missing in my theories.

I've been scheming up a business plan for the past 6 weeks. I've only told a few people and everyone is absolutely thrilled to get involved. I have a lot of goals and dreams. I want to help myself. I want to dream big and learn what I am passionate about. I want to help people. I want to edify people. And I want to teach people to help themselves. When I am done at massage school, I eventually want to get a masters in genomics. Doing massage is mostly a way that I can pay my way through college. But it is also the yang to my yin. I LOVE "holistic medicine" but I am a die-hard believer in "mainstream" medicine too. Massage and genomics are my two counter weights. So, ultimately I want to open a bodywork clinic that brings the two together (mainstream medicine and holistic health) and also integrates trauma resolution into the mix.

The question is, how do you do something that society has been fighting against for 100 years, AND be successful?

I think I can do it. In fact I know I can. I really think that something like this is what I'm meant to do. To my delight, yesterday I learned that the dean of my program is starting a new course in "medical massage".... to do just that, integrate massage and holistic health into mainstream medicine. She is pioneering a program, the first in the nation.

I also came to a very interesting realization last night. I had a terrible time growing up, but what got me through was thinking that I was being tested and I was learning something valuable that I would need someday. I realized last night that the reason that I know I am going to be able to do this is because I've already had all (or much of at least) the experience I need to start this clinic and help others and be a pioneer in integration, AND do it while breaking every gender-social construct there is. Now that's dreaming big.

The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself, right?! (did I mention that I am terrified????)

more trigenders out there?! (Vickie- black)

2010-05-21T20:38:00.000-07:00

Ok... I still don't like my trauma therapist, but I'm enjoying the program more and more.

I don't have much to say now. But I did want to mention a small bit of unbelievable news.

My therapist is trigender. omygod.

She is biologically female. Has a male and female side, as well as a "neutral" side that she describes as the "universal presence". She feels that she is "playing the part" of a female most days and has decidedly felt male at times too, but resides mostly in the "universal presence" space.

"Universal presence" or space is a great way to describe it! That is in a way, how I feel about my third gender as well. She doesn't seem to feel the need to match her body to her genders. As time goes on, I am meeting more and more people who feel that way too. Few people with multiple genders seem to feel that need to match their bodies to their genders. They find a way to accept the body they are born in. I totally respect that.

Its just not for me.

The Anti-Trauma Touch (Vickie- orange)

2010-05-18T22:55:00.001-07:00

Massage class did NOT go well today. Apparently the basic tenets of Trauma Touch are relatively universal. Mueller College has its own version, and that was the topic of today's class! Once you start moving around the energy, it's like taking the stopper out from a bottle. But, you can't put it back in. Several of my classmates even came up to me and said that my energy field was all over the place. I guess that would explain why I am still feeling the effects of Friday's session. Today, the crick in my neck that I've had for years just went away. I had been convinced that I needed a chiropractic adjustment.

Today was supposed to be a lecture class. But instead it was only half lecture. My teacher taught us some of the basic techniques that are used by trauma touch.... but not how to use them. I refused to receive or give the methods, but I watched. Most of the students didn't get it. They used the techniques in a way that facilitated massage work, but not energy work. Some did get it, but obviously didn't know what they were doing so they managed to release energy from epicenters of trauma but not control the energy in a way that wouldn't cause damage (because the energy lodged itself somewhere else instead of release it). Others knew quite a bit about energy work and ended up hurting those on the tables so bad that they were in quite a bit of pain. My professor and TA went around the room doing the techniques too. I was appalled that my professor would do them, but in a way that completely violated the person on the table and their boundaries. She would release epicenters that were "central sites" so to speak. Places that had old trauma that were interwoven with many other parts of the body. She retraumatized one of the students so bad that I had to talk her through what had happened because she was completely overwhelmed and disoriented. It took 45 minutes. We had been talking about trauma and trauma touch extensively over the past few weeks and we have both been talking about getting certified in Trauma Touch.

I talked to the TA after class. She had no concept of what I was talking about how using these tools can be dangerous. She kept insisting that this was not Trauma Touch. I know it is not, but it is using similar if not the same methods and is still releasing the same energy and trauma, only without guidance and safety measures. I was concerned that several of my classmates were now in very real physical pain interfering in the ability to walk or rotate their necks, retraumatized, dissociated, disoriented, or had released something that may trigger them in the next class. Many of these students will probably not say anything either because no one seems to know what the signs and contradictions are for manipulating the body in such a way! Its like being an unlicensed massage therapist. Overall, the techniques and general knowledge of massage will produce a really good massage. But the inexperienced masseuse will miss the signs that something is wrong and could very well end up hurting the client by massaging the wrong area in the wrong way. The inexperienced person releasing trauma somatically will likely release a great deal of trauma in the average person, but someone that has a much more serious or delicate issue will end up hurt worse. Releasing trauma the WRONG way can cause flashbacks, dissociation, disorientation, out of body experiences, being stuck out of body, severe anxiety even panic attacks, new traumas that can be triggered, higher sensitivity to existing trauma, concentration problems, insomnia, pain in other parts of the body including severe headaches, malfunction of certain body parts and organs and systems, and more.

Even worse, the way that Mueller customizing releases trauma is designed is an incomplete process. For a complex epicenter that has connections to other parts of the body, the Mueller method can leave trauma from that epicenter scattered throughout the body making any place that is already a trauma epicenter or is structurally weak a place for it to settle, potentially causing havoc. That is what happened to my classmate. That energy from the released epicenter now makes all those locations worse (pain, malfunction, higher sensitivity to the existing trauma, etc), plus putting the client at risk for all the other bad things I already just mentioned!

I'm more convinced that ever that I need to get this certification. But after this experience, I don't know if I am going to be able to finish this class. I dissociated just from watching. How am I going to handle being naked and someone massaging inside my thighs and my butt at my next class? I can't drop it and take it again for financial reasons, but also because I'm too far in. It's also 101. I can't go on with any of my courses without it.

Dealing with a identity crisis/meltdown and an panic attack ridden introduction to massage class that if I don't finish I might as well not be in massage school situation are two HUGE issues that seem like it is too much. Tomorrow is DBT which always seems to destabilize me a bit more (just what I need, great) and a 3 hour lecture on human reproductive systems in which my teacher has a tendency of going off topic to related topics that have something to do with a student in the class. The last thing I need is 1/3 of tomorrows lecture somehow revolving around sex changes.

Just because I'm stressed, every little thing now puts me over the edge. Like I lost a classmates thumb drive tonight in class and the fact that I'm stressed is stressing me out which is stressing me that I will have bad insomnia tonight which stresses me out that I won't get enough sleep to handle DBT and my reproductive class and my ongoing identity meltdown and trying to contact the head of the holistic health department to figure out a solution to not dropping my massage 101 class. I want to cry. I guess in the end I can only conclude that at least by seeing trauma therapy the WRONG way, I more fully understand why what I am doing must be the right way. Thats because until tonight, Trauma Touch was just a relatively random set of rules and methods that made no sense to me, not to mention "probably just one of many ways to do this". I don't believe that anymore. After seeing how releasing trauma by holding the body can create a very real effect and cause people such pain and disorientation and harm, I'm convinced that there is something much deeper to all this that is calling for a pioneer in the field. There has to be a biological response that can be measured and published. Just imagine me.... 100 years from now my name will be in textbooks. :-) I have a challenge.... ok, ready, set GO!

Trauma Therapy! (Bex- white/black)

2010-05-09T13:03:00.001-07:00

I had my first Trauma Touch session Friday! It was only supposed to be an hour, but we spend 2.5 hours working.

First, let me tell every person that has ever suffered from anxiety, panic attacks and trauma, there is hope! TTT is not right for everyone. Its right for chronic anxiety and old trauma. The deeper I dig into this new study of trauma, the more fascinating it becomes. I have come to realize that the other Trauma therapy programs I have been through deal with mostly NEW trauma and the anxiety and panic that comes from them. I am truly amazed at how our bodies work.

Our bodies and our minds are intricately connected. In every culture, mind and body are not a separate concept. This includes traditional Western culture (Greeks, Romans). Physically, our brains connect to neurons that connect and interact directly with nearly every cell in the body. What is not physically connected to the brain is washed with a bath of chemicals called Hormones which tell cells what to do just like nerves. The hormones are ultimately controlled by the brain as well from a tiny "main control center" in the center of the brain. Every medicinal culture also recognizes "energy" pathways or mixtures. These energies overlay every part of the physical body and balance the mind, body, and spirit. They have names that range from but are not limited to meridians (Asian), yin/yang (Asian), chakras (Ayruvedic), humors (Greek), Heraclitus theory of opposites (Greek), and elements (Greek). **** Note: Greece was a collection of City-States, not one culture****

During the Renaissance, as the West emerged from the Dark Ages, science started to blossom. The Church struggled with science because it undermined it's teachings. Many, such as Galileo were Excommunicated and/or killed. The Inquisition eventually came after a French philosopher named Renee Descartes. As self-defense in order to not be killed, he proposed to the Church that the Mind (and Spirit) were separate from the Body. He argued that since the spirit/mind cannot be measured it belonged to the jurisdiction of the Church. Since the body can be measured, and science deals with that which can be measured, it belonged to the jurisdiction of science. The Church accepted this theory resulting in the evasion of the collapse of science during the Renaissance, a lessening of pressure from the Inquisition for heresy (and fewer deaths of scientists!), creation of secular vs spiritual world, and the end of thousands of years of holistic thought.

The last 30 years has seen a trend in the reversal of the separation of body vs mind/spirit in the West. Trauma resolution is just one field that is being changed. New trauma resolution therapies are working with a complex combination of energy work, traditional psychotherapy (or talk therapy) tools, and the physical body, manipulating nerves and other tissues.

Unfortunately in the USA, you can only have a licence to "touch" or to "talk" when you are a therapist. Massage Therapists, Holistic Health Practitioners, and other bodyworkers (Acupuncturists, Acupressurists, Chiropractors, etc) have a licence to TOUCH. Psychiatrist, Psychologists, Hypnotherapists, life coaches, etc have a licence to TALK. Therefore, when dealing with trauma, it is important to work with TWO therapists. One that works with the body and energy. The other that uses talk therapy and/or group therapy. One without the other creates imbalance in the healing process.

These are some of the top programs:

- Peter A. Levine's "Waking the Tiger" and "Healing Trauma" (good for recent trauma, ie: car accident, highly emotional incident)

- Jon Kabat-Zinn Mindfulness Meditation Program found in several of his books (combination of meditation, mindfulness, and guided imagery)

- David Berceli's "TRE: Trauma Releasing Exercises" (no NOT do this program alone!!!! You must work through it with a qualified therapist otherwise you can seriously hurt or retraumatize yourself!)

- Trauma Touch Therapy (Energy work and body-mind integration program facilitated by bodywork specialists---- only 192 in the world!)

Trauma Touch is, as I said, a program that grew out of the massage therapy modality. It does not, however, use what is traditionally thought of as massage. Rather it uses a technique often lumped in with the Swedish Massage techniques called Stationary Pressure. Stationary pressure is a variety of touch and energy manipulations such as reiki, holding the place/body part, working with energetic fields, identifying epi-centers of trauma (via heat, sensations, pain, etc coming from a particular part of the body), acupressure and more.

New trauma theory relies heavily on the fact that the body "holds" emotion, memories, sensations, and much of what is traditionally thought to be stored in the brain. These are all interwoven into the muscle fibers, nerves, and tissue of the entire body, and actually can in some cases change the way our DNA is interacting and directing a cell to function. If all the cells in a tissue are changed that way, the entire tissue or organ could start functioning differently. Hence, the beginning of disease and illness manifesting in the body because of a mental/emotional "thought".

Unlike traditional energy work (Acupuncture, Reiki, Ayruvedic theory, etc), Trauma Touch doesn't just break blockages or move energy, it somehow gets into the root of the problem. It works with the physical body and its energy flow to "uncoil" the changes that have been made in the DNA, tissues, and energy flow via Stationary Pressure techniques. TRE (Trauma Releasing Exercises) work in a similar manner, excepting the theory holds that you can uncoil the trauma by "shaking" out the trauma, much like an antelope shakes after being run down by a predator and manages to escape. TRE works and I have used this uncoiling theory, despite not believing it. While TRE and TTT both require working with a bodyworker and you can not do it yourself and both rely on the body's innate intelligence, letting the body do the work at the pace that it wants and where it wants, there are major differences between TRE and TTT. One, with TRE you run a bigger risk of retraumatizing yourself because trauma can release too fast in too many places of the body at once, therefore overwhelming your system. The process of shaking can be very scary as well. You can do this program every day and get rid all the trauma in a relatively short time. What kept me going back to it, despite how overwhelming and scary it could be is that I was actually reversing trauma and was having major emotional releases. TTT releases trauma too and has major emotional releases, but in a more point specific/target oriented manner and does not involve shaking like a leaf on a stormy autumn day. The uncoiling effect is a bit slower but deeper. So even though the Trauma Touch therapist was working on my knee and ankle for only 15 minutes, and I felt significant changes in my leg (I got back sensation in my foot that is didn't know I lost, my back pain got better, and I regained sensation in my leg that I haven't had for years) over the next 3 days, those changes had a rippling effect through my body (in my thigh, my back, my leg, even in my thoughts). I guess it all boils down to a classic quantity (all over the body) or quality (one specific area at a time).

Neanderthal Autistic Transsexuals (Bex-Orange)

2010-05-07T12:05:00.000-07:00

I am totally going to geek out right now..... I found the awesomest blog EVER (in my opinion)!

When I was in collage I was studying biochemistry and molecular biology hoping to concentrate in psychological genomics and potential pharmacological interactions with the genomics of the physco-somatic system once I made it to grad school. (In English... I want to study DNA and genes and how they interact and dictate our actions and the creation/functioning of our physical bodies. Specifically I want to work with the brain and the connection the brain has with the body. I am especially interested as an extension of that study, how drugs can interact with our genes & DNA to create changes in our thinking/feeling and the physical structure & functioning of the brain and brain-body connection) Shortly before I dropped out I was in an into to genetics & genomics class. We learned that there was a team of scientists at the time (2007) reconstructing Neanderthal DNA in Europe and hoping to cross reference Neanderthal DNA with modern humans. Their hypothesis is that Neanderthals and Cro-Magnons (modern humans) interbred and certain traits such as red hair come from them and is not inherent in our species.

What makes me excited is more than just the "detailed" genetic description of the results of the study, but also the fact that I have been intensely interested in Neanderthals and Cro-Magnon interactions. This led me to read a lot about it and even live in Europe for a year where I worked with a mentor to learn about the history of humanity in the region. (He even taught me how to date something back to the early stone age, blindfolded and only by the feel of it in my hands!)

Now something that has fascinated me lately is autism. There is this amazing woman named Temple Grandin who has been publishing books about being Autistic. She makes a case that autism is not a disorder but simply a different way to functioning. Not a malfunction, but an adaption! This blog entry jumps into this very theory while also suggesting a correlation with Autism and the percentage of Neanderthal DNA in the general populace in different regions of the world.

Then she jumps into how Autism is most prevalent in males, and there is a significant subset of transsexual women. In her entry (and several others), she goes into detail how the make up/functioning of the brain is very different depending on whether you are male bodied or female bodied, and your attraction to males or females. I don't fully understand it yet because I didn't have time to get through it (it has a LOT of complicated detail). What I did pull from it is something about cross gender identity which starts to explain how transgender brains work and respond/interact with the world around them. Apparently transsexualism, however, is not strongly correlated to Neanderthal global DNA distribution, even via the Autism link.

Anyway.... I look forward to reading into more detail about the static nature nature of sexual orientation in the brain and its complete lack of corrolation to gender identity. I'm sure that there is a bunch more interesting stuff on the blog. I put a link on the right hand side in my links section. Its A.E. Brain. Enjoy!

Google Search! (Bex- Yellow)

2010-05-07T01:36:00.000-07:00

If you google "trigender", my blog pops up at the top of the 3rd page. cool! I am constantly surprised by how much content is getting added to the web, month after month. I regularly do a google search for bigender, trigender, and gender fluid every 6 months or so. There is always something new!

I'm getting anxious to get my binding equipment. My problem is not money (for once) but the fact that I need someone to measure me. And NO ONE is willing to do so, except one friend who worked at Victoria Secret but is now working the ridiculous hours doing my job that I was forced to resign from in December. I find it amazing that there are other people out there that are multigendered and fluid gender, but it seems the vast majority are either complaining about not knowing what is going on online or out living in the world fulling capable of transitioning between their genders. What about people like me who are somewhere in between?

Last monday I FINALLY got a therapist. After the last one which turned into a fiasco (she thought I had Multiple Personality Disorder, and she worked for the LGBT center!) I am thrilled by the fact that this one thinks my color and name scheme is "brilliant". It might be too soon to tell, but she seems totally beyond skepticism and into wanting to know what it is in the nitty gritty. i guess I couldn't ask for more! I guess patience (7 months wait!) only breeds good luck.

Tomorrow, I am starting Trauma Touch Therapy. I am nervous. But curious. I can't believe that there might be a possibility that I could be FREE of this anxiety and panic attacks and triggers. I could be ME without the added baggage. Personally, I think I already have a lot to bear. I don't need this.

Blood in my Ear (Vickie- red)

2010-05-05T16:21:00.000-07:00

Its already been a long week. I've been fighting a lot. Actually, fighting just about everything. Its not just fighting this god-damn infection, but fighting the pharmacist/pharmacy, fighting to get sleep, fighting to get food in me, but also just wanting to fight everyone else too.

Somethings I kinda gave up on. Somethings I can't, even if I want to. Do you think I want to be a control freak about gluten in my kitchen? No. Perhaps I should look at it all as a "choose your battle" kind of thing. I kinda gave up in general this morning after I woke up with BLOOD coming out of my left ear. I was trying to get ready in less than 20 min to get to my DBT group. I used to be certified in CPR and as a First Responder. And the first thing that comes to mind when there is blood coming out of ears is.... don't panic; something is seriously wrong! So, i called up the clinic that I went to on Saturday and was told to come by as a "walk-in". Turns out I have a cut in my ear canal wall. Nothing serious. But when I got home and thought about it, and actually thought about how I wasn't really thinking about it, and how I had gone through most of the day doing other tasks, I started wondering, since when does blood coming out of my ears constitute, "just another day"? Is my life really that crazy? Or do I make everything around me a bigger deal so that when something serious really does happen then it doesn't feel like that much of a stressor?

Life goes on. I feel like I've been turning over a new leaf. A lot of my time lately has been spent reprocessing the events of the last few months and trying to put them in context with my life, instead of the context of "survival mode". I'm climbing out of something and seeing a new side of me. I'm also seeing glimpses of who I was and who I wanted to be when I was in High School. Those dreams and goals and pieces of personality are coming back. Its like I'm coming out of some sort of hole that I've been hiding in since 11th grade. I guess I shouldn't ask, why now? The body and mind process things and protect themselves from things at their own speed and will.

I feel like I'm on the brink of something. Friday I am starting a new therapy called Trauma Touch. Its a new therapy program that has evolved out of massage therapy and emerging psychological theory (over the past 30 years.... but just now entering into the therapist toolbox) on the lasting impact of trauma in the bodies of mammals & humans. I've worked with the theory before and have had success with it that I didn't think was possible. From what I understand of it and experienced of of the theory, plus a massage-esque protocol, Trauma Touch Therapy probably has the potential to CURE someone from PTSD. Comparing my systemic infection allegorically with what trauma/anxiety can do to someone, its quite amazing to imagine what kind of person would "blossom" out from underneath the weight of it all.

For example: if you have a systemic infection, not only do you have a very large and body-wide infection but it also compromises your immune system. Therefore not only do you run out of energy quickly trying to fight it, but infections in almost every other organ and cavity in your body spring up. If you get a cut, it doesn't heal. If you get a sinus infection... it doesn't go away. You get an infection in you gut, you don't absorb food & nutrients. So on, and so forth. If you have serious anxiety (and Panic Attacks), it permeates your body and suppresses your ability to deal with normal stress. Suddenly, you get debilitating stress about multiple things in your life. You are now overly stressed about work and don't want to go, you are afraid to sleep, you are anxious about walking down the street. You are to overwhelmed to pursue an opportunity that would have led you to fulfilling your goals or dreams. You get rid of the systemic infection, your body can heal itself of the other smaller, minor infections. You get rid of the Panic attacks and general anxiety, you now have the resources to deal with normal stress, anxiety and fear. You become freer to be the person you are and not bogged down with extra challenges and weights.

So my goals for May:

- rid of the yeast infection

- learn how to bake (gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free) yeast-free bread (to prevent reinfection)

- learn how to make easy & nutrient dense smoothies (to help with fighting the smaller infections)

- start going to Trauma Touch Therapy

- start working with a talk therapist (to help process the trauma that comes up in TTT, the heightened stress from everything else, and transitioning from that Panic Attack/generalized anxiety place through the heightened stress around everything else, to something more normal)

- continue DBT group (We are working on Mindfulness & Emotion Regulation this month)

- exercise & yoga (to help deal with stress)

Today has been a good day though, despite. Its the little things in life that matter! Tonight in Anatomy class we will be discussing the Endocrine system (the hormones). Which, is my FAVORITE body system! (Whatever... I know I am geeking out, but I like the topic! I even signed up for pathology as my next science course next quarter!) I also had to go downtown to a pharmacy to get my prescription. The clinic was in the middle of where a lot of the Mexicans live. Being Cinco de Mayo today, I treated myself to an authentic Carne Asada Taco. It totally made my day! YAY! I'm also very much enjoying being 100% female gendered and bodied and people seeing me as female over the last 2 days. There is SO much stress when you are not the same gender as your body. Ugh! Its a welcome respite.

At the Pharmacy (Vickie- purple)

2010-05-01T16:32:00.000-07:00

*** At the Pharmacy***

Pharmacist: Do you have any allergies?

Me: I have severe allergies to Gluten, Dairy, & Soy. I will go unconscious if contaminated.

Pharm: Oh! Our Pharmacy Manager has Celiac Disease. We know all about it. She knows about that kind of stuff.

Me: Awesome!

***30 min later while reading ingredients in my medicine, at home***

Me: WTF! This is dairy AND gluten in it! (go back to store)

Me: This has dairy in it and corn starch that has contaminated with gluten.

Pharm: How do you know that?

Me: I read the ingredients list. Do you have other brands of this?

Pharm: I don't know. Let me check.

Me: Great. I have a list of the ones that are gluten free but I need the ingredients lists to check for dairy. Can I read the ingredients lists?

Pharm: Where do you find those?

Me: On the slips that come with the medications.

Pharm: Oh. We throw those away.

Me: You throw them away?!?!? How do you normally check for allergies for your customers!?!? Dairy is not an uncommon allergy!

Pharm: I don't know. *After a couple moments pause* Have you taken this before? Perhaps you should go to your other pharmacist and get the barcode number of the specific brand that is safe for you and bring it back to us.

Me:*confused look* Uhhh.... By law you are required to keep the slips with the ingredients list. I'm sure that I am not the only customer with allergies. How do you normally cross-reference allergens? I need this medication.

Pharm: *blank face* You could....

Me: This is your responsibility to cross-reference the drugs for allergens. Not mine. By law, it is YOUR responsibility.

Pharm: *blank face* ok. but .... do they even make tablets without lactose?

Me: Yea. (I'm losing my patience by now) I've taken this before. I can take my business elsewhere if you cant figure this out. I need my Prescription from my doctor back.

Pharm: ok....... let me try. But I don't know how to get the ingredients list.

Me: *sigh* Every brand name is required to list the ingredients online on their website. You can also call the manufacturer. It's really quite easy.

Pharm: ok.... let me see if I can find the ingredients lists that we threw away.

Oh my fucking God. Sad thing is.... this was the most productive conversation I've had with my local pharmacists about gluten and dairy. This is just a typical pharmacy visit. Usually its along the lines of.... "I read the allergen statement and it didn't say anything about gluten". Uhhh.... yea, remember how I caused a big scene when I dropped my prescription off about how gluten is not a required posted allergen by the FDA and you have to CALL THE MANUFACTURER to verify the gluten free status? OR.... "I read the allergen statement and read the ingredients list. It has XYZ but most people don't react to that when they have a dairy or soy allergy". Yea.... but I DO! I can't take this medication. "But, most people are fine. Are you sure?" YES I'M FUCKING SURE THAT I GET VERY VERY SICK WHEN I INGEST ANYTHING WITH THAT INGREDIENT!

My two favorites are when they don't believe me that the FDA requires allergens to be tracked on drugs and food. The other is when they have never heard of gluten or celiac disease and think i'm referring to glucose and might be diabetic. ummmm...... up to 1/3 of all humans are intolerant of gluten, which is a PROTEIN in GRAINS! Celiac Disease is more common than Autism. AND HOW DID YOU GRADUATE FROM PHARMACOLOGY SCHOOL WITHOUT KNOWING ANY OF THIS!?!?

Living for ME (Vicki- purple)

2010-04-30T13:35:00.000-07:00

Adam came by today. I knew he was stopping by and I didn't sleep at all last night because I was all tied up in knots in anxiety. He came by to drop off some of my stuff he had. It was short. A few hollow smiles and well wishes and it was over. He went off in a rush cuz he is driving to Santa Cruz tonight for the summer. I realized that none of this mattered anymore when it didn't bother me (more like punch me in gut) like something like this normally would.

During all of this I am making almond milk for my breakfast cereal and trying to dehydrate the left over almond pieces (without a proper dehydrator) to make almond meal/flour for a strawberry-almond muffin recipe I found. My roommate is in Baltimore for the weekend so I was feeling a bit lonely. I thought about how I have been making a few friends at school (so awesome!.... something so difficult for me because of the bipolar and the abuse). Then, "viva la vida" by cold play came on the radio. I smiled. I guess I had never really listened to the words before. It made me realize how I had lost so much last December but how far I've come and I'm a different person. I realized that I didn't need Adam. I realized that I have let him go A LOT in the past 2 weeks. Even when he put me down on the phone yesterday, twice, it didn't bother me as much. I just didn't care. Sure, it hurt, but I realized I'm not so attached anymore.

And then I smiled and realized that I am happy with my life. Most importantly, I'm HAPPY.

A lot of things really really suck right now. But overall.... I am living my life for ME! Me, no one else. Thats an amazing feeling when you have never done that before. And really, does anything else really matter?

HAIRCUT! (Alex- blue)

2010-04-29T13:52:00.001-07:00

So, i finally got my hair cut the other day. I wanted something that would look good as Vickie and Alex. I've been researching mens haircuts for a few months and debating. But then I noticed a style very similar to what I was looking for on a female high school classmate of mine. She was always somewhat of a role model for me growing up. Later, after we graduated I found out she was bi-sexual as well. Well.... now she's got a hair cut that looks FUCKING AWESOME on her.... but is almost identical to the male haircut that I've been thinking about. SWEET!

Fortunately, my classmate has a similar body build as I, so I figured it would work for me too. Got my hair cut and now I am thrilled. I have been frequently been breaking out in giggles because it is fun to play with. I can gel it into all sorts of styles. Flat like Rhianna, a faux-haux, spiky flat top, swirled. And, it makes me feel more confident as a male and want to get a wig for my female side. I have never felt this confident as Alex before (nor happy). Its like an identity verification. What HAS been pissing me off is that since I don't have the materials to bind my chest, unfortunately I fear people will think of me as a butch lesbian which is NO WHERE near the truth. *sigh* One thing at a time and no reason to spoil the fun, right! I have a little victory, it seems (or feels like).

An interesting thing I noticed is that getting my hair cut like this brought up an old memory. I often say that my first memories of knowing I was a boy in a female body was at my house in Lima, NY. But this memory hails from Niagara Falls, where I lived until I was 5. When i was 4-ish, I saw a guy with a mohawk. I thought it was cool. So during "nap-time" I cut all my hair off the sides. In my mind, I was doing it because I wanted to emulate something that was gender appropriate, not just because it was cool. NOTHING I said to my mother make sense to her when I tried to explain. She didn't understand. I liked my hair short. I think this is my first honest memory of knowing my gender didn't match my body. I hated it long, even when she made me grow it out, curling it under with irons every morning before school.

Apart from a fear of being burned by the irons a few times, I hated being feminine, even as a child. When I was in second grade my grandparents and parents re-did my room as a "surprise". The redid it in pink and white with lace, complete with a 4 post-canopy bed. Vickie, I'm sure was thrilled, but for the most part I hated my room so completely that I wouldn't use it any more except when I had to go to sleep. Even then, I never slept well in the room. It felt like an utter violation and I started having terrible nightmares (I'm sure influenced by the molestation as well)and started sleep-walking. Once I was a teenager, often times my room was the only safe haven from emotional and physical abuse in the house. Literally, I think it was me taking "refuge" in a stereotype (being a girl) that I didn't want but had to play. Certainly, psychologically I was that way too as well because I would wear makeup and dresses to avoid lectures and screaming at me. But, it all just made the scar that much deeper because I was stuffing the pain down. Honestly though, I had more immediate issues (rape, abuse, being sick from gluten, etc) that had to take priority, unfortunately, for immediate survival.

Its funny how trying to being yourself can be such a difficult process. YAY haircuts!

Jazz (Alex- blue)

2010-04-28T16:04:00.000-07:00

Jazz was born into a male body and her parents have been supportive of her transition pre-puberty. Jazz has had a lot of media attention over the past few years and she and her family has become a role-model for American families. This is short, sweet, and to the point. Enjoy. :-)

Page Updates! (Alex- black/white)

2010-04-24T23:28:00.000-07:00

Page Updates! My blog may look a bit different to everyone. I was contemplating a different color scheme and having three columns, but in the end I didn't trust my Html skills enough to risk loosing all of my content (5 years worth, whoooo!).

I'm adding a few things instead and taking a few things out from the right hand column. I am a voracious blog reader, so I've listed my top favorites from the categories that my blog focuses on a bit further down on the right. I also want to give a heads up that within the next few weeks (or months) I will also be starting some light Gluten Free blogging. I haven't decided whether I should do that here, or revive my second blog (most likely the later).

So, I hope you enjoy the small changes. :-)

I also just discovered I can take pretty darn good pictures and video on my camera and send them online or email them from my phone. So expect some regular photography again like I used to!

Distress Tolerance (Vickie- purple)

2010-04-22T14:38:00.001-07:00

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about coping strategies lately. i'm sorry that this post is kind of long. Its actually 3 posts that I've been trying to compose in my head for a few weeks.

The past week I have been trying to observe all the little things I do and the big ones too. Its funny how we don't always do what is good for us. This Distress Tolerance program that I went through in DBT has really gotten me thinking. There are two parts to Distress Tolerance. First, Crisis Survival. Second, Acceptance. I've been disturbed to find that the further we have gotten into the program, the more I've realized my coping skills are unhealthy and preventing me from healthy coping mechanisms.

The basic outline is

Crisis Survival

- Distracting mechanisms

- Self-soothing mechanisms

- Improving the moment

- Pros & cons

Acceptance

- Breathing exercises

- Half-Smiling

- Awareness

- Radical Acceptance

- Turning the Mind

- Willingness vs Willfullness

I am pretty good at distracting myself, first of all, in my opinion. At least for better or for worse. Here is the distracting skills when dealing with a "crisis" (or anything that goes wrong)

Distracting

Activities - hobbies, cleaning, events, ppl, chores, games, go outside, exercise

Thoughts – count, watch something (out window, TV), puzzles, read

Contributions - to someone, volunteer work, surprises, thoughtful things

Comparisons – soap operas, biographies, disasters & suffering, relate to others

Emotions – create different emotions w/stories, old letters, movies, music

Pushing Away – leave situation, block it out, censor ruminating, put away temp

Sensations – hold ice, hot shower, loud music, sex, strong smells, touch things

In an extreme form distraction can be abused to become a form of denial or the starting point of many addictions to deal with unsettling feelings. Beyond distracting mechanisms, "self soothing mechanisms" help bring you back to reality after you have distracted yourself from the initial unsettling event. Using these "self soothing" mechanisms help you reconnect with reality so that you can move on into the next stage of coping. If you don't, your body is forced to express your emotions with your body. This usually means that something malfunctions (digestion--> diarrhea) or starts to hurt (headache) or you become vulnerable to subconsciously hurting yourself (run into a table, twist an ankle, not being as careful to screen allergens in food, etc) or worse, permanent damage/malfunctions of the body or disease because some people are chronic "stuffers", always "stuffing" their emotions down to deal with something. Usually, it is easier to see someone else doing this then realizing you are doing this yourself.

As I have been exploring these coping strategies, it has been overwhelming to see how things in my life have been redefined and I understand why people do the things they do. For example, when my recent boyfriend was upset he would distract himself by working. He loved his work and I loved the fact that he loved his work. I even didn't mind him working long hours for the cause because I believed in the work that he was doing. What was disturbing (and he couldn't see this) was that he would work well beyond his limits as a way to distract himself form something that upset him. Even worse, overworking himself and constantly "stuffing" and distracting himself led him to subconsciously punish himself when he felt guilty, for example, and vulnerable to hurting himself (ie: accident prone or purposely eating things that would make him sick). He couldn't stop working, even when he recognized that he was doing this and wanted to stop. Often I couldn't tell the difference between him just working hard and abusing himself until he was already out of touch with reality and his body.

One of the most difficult things I have been dealing with the last few weeks is realizing that I was enabling him to be this way. I was co-dependent. He was vulnerable when he was like this and he would need me to take care of him because the "distraction" and "stuffing down" of his emotions would make his body finally translate those emotions into getting very sick. This Distress Tolerance program has made me understand why he was doing what he was doing, and also helping me understand how I was dealing with it. I know that I too don't cope well and I react in similar ways to Adam, but with different methods and results, which is part of the journey of healing: learning about yourself. My way of dealing/coping was to spiral out of control with my own ways of denial, stuffing, and addictions.

Not only that though, I realized that I have a history of this with past relationships, but in different manifestations. And even further, I realized that I learned how to be this way from my family. I had my place in my family that made me both witness to co-dependence, a co-dependent myself, and extremely vulnerable to becoming the dependent individual. I know this because I learned that being sick gives a person the "right" for attention and to expect others will make everything better for you.

Two and half years ago I moved to San Diego because I was so sick that I couldn't go to school anymore. I began my healing journey and have put everything second to health (and often sacrificing a lot). The past 2 years I have been focusing mostly on the second stage, "self-soothing".

Self Soothing

Vision – flowers, candles/flame, decorations, art, nature, stars, museums, downtown, pictures, dance performance

Hearing – music, sounds of nature, sing or play instrument

Smell – perfume/lotion, spray fragrance, aromatherapy, clean sheets or bathroom, potpourri, flowers, bake or cook, nature

Taste – good meal, tea/hot chocolate, dessert, candy, new spices

Touch- bubble bath, clean sheets, pets, massage, lotions, hot/cold, comfortable chairs, unique clothing & accessories, head/hair, hugs

Like I said before, self-soothing is in essence, using your senses to reconnect to your body so that you can move on to the next stages of coping (ie: surviving the "crisis" and accepting it). I started pulling myself out of the deep depression and sickness in my body when I moved to San Diego by seeing a therapist specializing in "complimentary therapy" which means mostly taking advantage of mind-body connections in therapy instead of just talking. I started using music therapy on my own to supplement and to start the process of reconnecting to my body (My body actually was numb and I had lost feeling in parts of it. It was the way my body was dealing with "stuffed" emotions.). Via exploring music therapy, I found that different types of western music induced different changes within the body. I came to this conclusion after working my way through the lecture series of Robert Greenberg from the Teaching Company (http://www.teach12.com/ttcx/CourseDescLong2.aspx?cid=700) and reading the Mozart Effect by Don Campbell (http://www.amazon.com/Mozart-Effect-Tapping-Strengthen-Creative/dp/0340824379/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1271973168&sr=1-1). I now know its all music, but I'll focus on a few examples. I also know that signing actually produces what is equivalent to an "internal massage" to your body that is helpful, but that is too much to talk about now.

What amazed me what that the evolution of music over the last 1000 years in Europe, roughly followed the same process that a person goes through in growing up, or being "reborn" through an awakening of consciousness (via trauma, religion, etc. ) I learned that Plainchant, popularly known as Gregorian chant, is the primary and nearly the only form of music during the Middle Ages. Its is known for fostering rhythms of natural breathing, relaxation, and induces spaciousness. It is good for quiet study and meditation and will reduce stress. Most importantly, it can create a "sanctuary" of sorts acoustically and a safe space for those in a panic attack or experiencing fear to find a safe space to calm down. It is the time when someone is in their distraction/denial/addiction stage OR quiet growth stage before exploring emotions, like a child before puberty.

After the Middle Ages, the Renaissance created new music unlike anything that had ever been produced in Europe before. Music (and all culture at this time) was starting to explore the boundaries for what is possible and experimenting with expressing emotion. Renaissance music is still quite structured like that of the Middle Ages, but it can be seen as a safety net, or framework in which these emotions could be explored in. This genre is wonderful for individuals recovering from trauma or any negative experience because it creates a safe environment to come out of the "sanctuary" and explore emotion. This type of music is also useful in contemplation.

I found myself going back and forth between these two genres often. I started adding in aromatherapy; using different sents to support or soothe, stimulate and calm. Then I started explore with cooking and new spices and going to art museums and taking walks in nature, thus stimulating all five senses.

Then, I found calm music over-layed with a heartbeat. This was an important turning point for me. When I was in Vienna, Austria, I visited a music museum and there was a large exhibit about the physiological effects of the womb-environment on individuals. The book the Mozart Effect also talked about how recreating the womb was sometimes be therapeutic for some people. I remembered the feeling I had in the recreated womb environment at the museum so I tried this on my own with music containing a heartbeat. I incorporated it into my "bag of tricks" I had, in conjunction with my plainchant and renaissance music. The heartbeat was extremely calming in a way that felt like a rope being thrown to me when I'm drowning in water. Today, when I use the heartbeats (I have a little machine that I can overlay heartbeats over any music now) it usually feels like a rope being thrown to me in the water when I don't need it and is in my way, but I guess that only shows how far I've come! YAY!

I've been working in more self-soothing tricks, such as yoga, acupuncture, exercise, colors, soft sheets and pillows, and meditation. These all help me connect with my body. Today, I have feeling in my body again! Not all places are 100% there, but I can now connect with my body enough to fight dissociation instead of being pulled own into a dissociated state, and thus vulnerable to re-traumatizing myself. This is huge for me!

My biggest challenge that I have started on since the beginning of the year is, and ironically, the next stage in Distress Tolerance is "Improving the Moment".

Improving the moment

Imagery – relaxing scene, secret space, alt reality, hurt draining away, protection

Meaning – find/create purpose, meaning or value, spiritualism, positive aspects

Prayer – conversation w/creator, meditate

Relaxation – massage, exercise hard, hot bath/sauna, hot milk/tea, breathe smile

1-thing in the moment – stay focused w/awareness at the task at hand

Vacation – in bed, motel room, in nature, at the park, breakfast in bed, indulge in chocolate or a magazine/newspaper, unplug phone, 1-hour break

Encouragement – cheerlead yourself

It was hard at first to realize that for many of these Improving the Moment skills, I have been dependent on Adam to do for me. It really hit me hard that not only was I co-dependent on him, but now that I am on my own, I'm recovering from co-dependency (which is nothing more than an addiction to stopping an addiction in someone you care about), my own addictions that were reactivated from trying to cope with the co-dependency, AND recovering from being dependent on Adam (him being co-dependent on me). For whatever reason, I don't know how yet, I would end up in a situation where I was trying to cope with something but I couldn't pull myself far enough into reality with my senses (and thus I would loose my connection with my body) and away from my distracting methods and Adam would talk my through or even do for me something that would improve the moment. By him doing that, I lost control of my ability to cope and was instead dependent on him to do it for me and nothing got fully resolved.

Its been exciting to explore this. A huge step is this massage school. It has opened a lot of doors for me not only professionally but in learning about myself. This blog is a HUGE part of improving the moment as well in finding meaning and cheerleading myself. I want to explore hyponotherapy/imagary, which is a new program at Mueller. And I've been practicing taking "vacations".

I don't think anyone really "masters" everything in this program. But it is a learning process and way to be a healthier person. Its been the topic on my mind for weeks, about how my coping skills are faring. Honestly, I think I have stronger skills than most of the people in my DBT group. But I constantly feel that I don't have good coping skills because I feel that if I keep using unhealthy skills it must be because I am too weak. I feel like I'm sabotaging myself. All I can do, I guess, is keep being myself. Keep learning how to love myself. Yesterday I found my inspiration to get over my unhealthy coping skills.

"Love is a passion for life shared with another person. You fall in love with a person you think is wonderful. It's your deepest appreciation of the value of that individual, and that individual is a reflection of what you value most in life. When you love someone else, you love them with all the joy in your life. When you hate or despise yourself and wallow in misery, how can you love another? Love is not to be ashamed of or embarrassed. It can be one of life's greatest rewards." -Terry Goodkind.

:-( (Vickie- red)

2010-04-19T12:58:00.000-07:00

Sorry... I don't have many words today. Saturday would have been our "2 year anniversary".

I good news is that I would never have started blogging about these things if it were for the fact that he left me because of these things. So I guess this is in part a tribute. It goes chronologically backwards.

And this is what Adam essentially said to me those last days.

My battle (Bex- yellow)

2010-04-16T20:38:00.000-07:00

If I tried to link all the things that I have done in my life under one umbrella term.... it would be:

"saving the world"

The first thing I ever did in my life and honestly the only thing I've ever done in my life that has made me happy and I am proud of is to get out there and help people and fight for causes and ideas. I've had a terrible hole in my heart of despair since Thanksgiving last year. I thought it was losing my job, maybe losing my relationship, or getting diagnosed with a major mental illness. I've thought it was grief over the past, the things I have missed out on in life because of disease or abuse or grief over a life untangling a gender identity. I blamed it on being unemployed, the weather, deserving it maybe, being at the bottom of the social ladder, and little access to help. But its not all those things. Cuz when I went out there and volunteered doing something that I hated, I felt like the happiest person alive. When I was rejected by groups because of volunteer oversight mismanagement, I was more than just devastated.

I have this hole in my heart because I used to spend every day fighting for what I believe in. Even when I had lost hope, I still had my faith. Its the thing that has kept me alive so many times when everything otherwise said I wouldn't be.

I don't know what I believe in as well as I used to. I've never had to stop fighting before and just listen. I'm listening now! I don't want to give up fighting. Right now I'm fighting a lot; a private battle. This is my place. I need to have the patience and peace to know that I will return to the big fight someday. But this is my place now. And my blog more than ever is my battle ground where I fight for myself.

SciAm Psych (Bex- yellow)

2010-04-16T13:46:00.000-07:00

Scientific American Mind, which is the psychology offshoot magazine from the popular Scientific American magazine found in grocery stores across america has published an ENTIRE issue on gender. There are some interesting facts on bipolar thrown in there too.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/sciammind/?2010-5

You can buy a PDF version for about 5 bucks. I highly recommend it. There is a good article on "transsexuals" which is the old school term and also still standard medical terminology for transgender. (Transgender is the more politically correct term.) I'm thrilled that the various articles back up a lot of the observations I have been making of myself and talking about here on my blog, even if the articles are not about what my blog is about directly. Happy reading!

New journey (bex-yellow)

2010-04-15T22:40:00.001-07:00

First night of "disrobing" in massage class. Let me say two things.....

First, if you are transgender do you choose a male or female partner?

Second, if you suddenly get a flood of repressed memories and trauma memories, what do you do?

Answer: If you are transgender and have a non-gendered gender, be non-gendered and then it doesn't matter. And if you get triggered by a whole flood of new repressed memories, don't panic and run out the room with your drape (sheet) clutched to you and your backside exposed. Luckily I didn't do that. You know what I did? I used the distress tolerance exercises I learned in DBT! It helped enough that I could counteract dissociating and be calm enough to finish receiving the massage module and wait until the break to talk to the teacher. I'm not sure what is the next step, but my teacher gave me a pile of options. So I'm going to think about them over the weekend before I make a decision.

I've been working through "family of origin" and childhood events. What happened is that I started dissociating and numbing out. So I counted and concentrated on breathing and worked to stay present by noticing details around me. Then my neck tensed up, followed by my biceps, my lower back, and finally my calves. I had the sensation that I was using my right shoulder to block being hit, then my left side of my neck started hurting and I remembered getting injured there when I was beaten once. My lower back had a sharp pain, as if foot-plates were rammed into them, which quickly reminded my lower legs of the similar incidents. My left shoulder went up to protect my neck and side. Then I jumped to another sequence when my upper arms were grabbed to pull me in and down to the floor to be shaken and beaten again. My shoulders tensed up protecting me.

Flashbacks of memories and my body tensing of all these place kept happening over and over. I quickly reminded myself that this was good. I started shaking a little and I wanted to stop it but I let myself shake as quietly as I could without being noticed. Meanwhile the other students are watching demonstration while myself and the first half of the class are on the tables. I reminded myself that I still have to get through class and I can talk to the teacher later, then come home and take a shower, eat dinner, and write in my blog.

It was scary. I knew this was going to happen, but not this soon.

Do I need to reiterate again.... I need a therapist to work thru these things.

On the positive side, Obama just expanded LGBT medical rights. YAY!

Now that I'm home, I'm not as calm as I was in class. That is to be expected but I'm ok. I found out last week that my left shoulder was a trigger. Today I found out I have a trigger in my neck. I knew I was triggered on my upper arms, but i didn't know why. Now I know. When I was in the shower I was thinking about it a bit. Aneeb's favorite part of my body was my upper arms. I never understood that. I think subconsciously because of that I linked Aneeb to these painful beatings. I think this was a powerful way I somehow linked Aneeb to my mother and my family and turned major parts of our relationship into something else. When we broke up it became an emotional event WAY beyond normal for a simple relationship. It was like loosing my family a second time because the whole relationship and breakup re-triggered serious abandonment, emotional abuse and manipulation, and co-dependence issues that had gotten out of hand because of that association.

When Adam and I were together, I never ever let him touch my arms. In class, we only practiced on the left arm. My left arm is worse than the right. The strokes that we were using actually released some of the trauma. I can still feel it in my right side tho.

I'm apprehensive about this journey that I am beginning. I need it. I want it. I'm scared of it. I'm going to take the definition of journey from the hobbits.

A journey is traveling somewhere that you don't know where that somewhere is.

I can do this!